Turning Inside Out

I try to remain hopeful and trusting in somewhat overwhelming and bleak conditions. As surely as India is chaotic on the outside and the people are calm on the inside, I've found that my previous style of life in San Francisco, as reflected to me by many people here, is calm on the outside and chaotic on the inside. Urban western single life seems to breed discord.

Is this just my perspective or is the anxiety of western life seeping back into my blood now that I'm home? I've found that I calmed down a lot on my journey and here I am: no job, no home, no man, vying for spirituality in an urban environment, no money, not sure where I want to live, not sure what I want to do for a living, and at least very sure of the kind of man I want - steady and stable, but how am I to meet with him if my own life is so externally chaotic? Will he see the calm within me - that giving everything up for surrender was precisely how I got to this calm? Surely.

Can I maintain my calm as I look for non-law jobs in an economic recession, manage my finances without an income and find health insurance coverage that I can afford, seek a worthwhile place to call home and try to visit about 100 people all over CA (and I'd like to visit my sister in Miami, too)? If I stick with my yoga practice, I believe that is so. But it's challengind. It seems as if everything is absolutely upside down/inside out from when I left.

Job: Many friends have been laid off and are losing their apartments and wondering how to go on with their lives. The economy is bleak. I read advertisements for litigation associates and want to cry at the idea of doing that again. But I apply anyway - just in case nothing else shows up. I at least know how to do this work. I contacted my old firm to suggest contract work and received a perfunctory response. I'm meeting with a man very soon who is starting a virtual law firm and am not sure if malpractice liability will extend to legal work that is outsourced to Manila and has my name on the papers as the licensed CA attorney.

I apply for other positions outside of the legal wall and see that my hard-earned legal credentials pale in comparison to the requirements and experience desired by prospective employers. The market is saturated with people looking. Not a good time to make a career change in the Bay Area. Or is it? I keep reminding myself to truly ask what I want. Make this next chapter a sweet one. Perhaps my reactions to legal work are a sign. If I don't get a job in this area, that's a gift. Look at that! What do you want? The idea of holing up in Pt. Reyes at a B&B (if I can find a live-in job) and writing my book and practicing yoga is a good one. It would be nice to have some contract work to make some money and pay off my student loans, too. Is this possible? Why not?

Instability: Sometimes, the freedom of being an individual is too much. I've had many lovely people write about how much they envy and admire my experiences and I can just as easily say I envy and admire their stability, husband, children, home, lifestyle and job. I chose to leave those prospects for this life. Now I'm back to where I should start these prospects up - where I should find stability - and I can't figure out what, where or how. This is truly a challenge. I try to maintain my calm.

My mother told me to say this mantra: "I am easy, I am easy, I am easy." It helps. She helps a thousand-fold. She's a law professor and can take days off. Yesterday, we drove 20 minutes to Santa Cruz and walked for hours along the beach clifftops. We compared the best ways for hopping up on a surfboard - she likes knees first; I prefer the hop-up. We sat and watched a hippy etch a giant 2009 peace mandala in the sand. We looked at million dollar remodeled homes and noticed sea otters, sea lions, pelicans, sandpipers and seagully roaming all around. My mom is easy and funny and settled. She and my stepdad love eachother. Super stable people. She is 100% supportive and tells me to give myself some time. She says I just need to settle back into the west and give myself time before I go full throttle again.

Yet something inside me is eager for answers; eager for a life that I can call my own again. I feel so...irresponsible. I'm 35. I live with my mom. I have no income. I don't know what sort of job I want to do b/c I'm not ready to work full time again in any one area. Perhaps a hodge podge of yoga, writing and working - there, that's nice. But where? It is here that I must stop. Breathe. Choose courage. I responsibly chose to shift my life this way. I responsibly will choose the next shift. It may not even be in California. My mother is right. Take time. Feel. Breathe. Think about what will make my heart sing. If I trust and surrender, my spiritual path will unfurl. I believe that. And my spiritual path MUST have a professional, money-making component to it - at least enough to live on. Just pause. Be happy to have such luxury, time and comfort. Life is good. Just different. I chose this path. Might as well enjoy it.

Social Life: Before I left, I was THE girl about town. I realized upon my return that those invitations for fun and savvy events are still coming at rocket speed. I am welcomed easily and mirthfully back into the San Francisco social scene. That's wonderful and I'm glad. However, everyone is so...BUSY. I've tried to connect with friends and we have to arrange a time two weeks out to see eachother. They work so much, that only (some) weeknights and weekdays are available. That just seems wrong to me. Americans shouldn't work so much. In other countries, they enjoy time socializing and with family.

Flaking is standard in my community. In San Francisco, it is common to call at the allotted meeting time and say you're running late (from 30 minutes to one hour). I even had the hostess of my welcome back party tell me on the day of the party that she'd be 1.5 hours late. The friend at whose place I was supposed to doll up for the party advised me on the same day that she was going to dance class and wouldn't be home until 30 minutes after my party start time. The venue selected by my friend was too small and we got the boot to a different venue - so many friends who came couldn't find us b/c they couldn't see the little makeshift sign outside of the bar.

All of this "inconvenience" could've been foreseen and alleviated with just a little consideration. But, people are too busy with their own lives to just consider other people's feelings in this town. The intent is there, but the follow through dissolves. Perhaps I became spoiled in my travels. There, the people were kind and considerate and giving. They live with their families. The live in community. They treat a guest with graciousness. They treat eachother with respect.

As if I'm REALLY supposed to learn a lesson, two things happened the night of my party that really rocked my world (one friend, one man). First, the girlfriend who was going to drive me to her house after the party left me in a taqueria in the Mission District (not too safe) at 2:00 a.m. to go have a hot makeout session with a man she just met in her car. I kept calling and texting, but she wouldn't pick up. So, there I was - no car, no place to go, little money, totally reliant on one of my friends - and she simply blew me off. I called and woke up another friend and took a cab to a safe night's sleep. The next morning, I called the woman who blew me off to make sure she was alive. She gave me a perfunctory apology and launched into a monologue about how exciting her rampage was. I was appalled, told her I was glad she was okay and said goodbye. I still can't believe it. She doesn't think it's a big deal or is in denial. I'm not sure. But, I don't understand. I don't like it. I don't want this type of crazy, flaky, selfish society. Is this how I was to my friends before? On a smaller scale, I see very clearly that I fit in just fine with this attitude before. Not anymore.

Men: Clearly, living in the aforementioned social style made me a less than desirable girlfriend. I get that now. I'm humbled. Also, the men I chose to spend my energy on were really less than desirable. For instance, a man who wooed me one year ago - a real charmer - ended up being with two other women at the same time as me. He was a liar and a cheat and I told him so before I left. He agreed and apologized profusely. This year, I decided to give him another chance and invited him to the party. He was there, handsome, super attentive and flirty, lavished the charm on me and my sister, told my sister how enamored he still is of me and how much he regretted his behavior, but how he's grown, etc. My sister, who is a great judge of character, was convinced that he'd turned over a new leaf and regretted his ways of the prior year. So, I softened up to him only to find out that he has a girlfriend! He profusely apologized for being so base as to not tell me right away, but said he was so attracted to me, blah blah blah. I just told him not to worry and I won't spend any more energy on him no matter how charming or handsome. Why tell someone you've changed if you haven't? I don't get it. THIS is the type of man I was dating before.

Now, those are the bad friend/man experiences. I had several lovely, grounded, good people come to my party. They made a big effort to be there and were sweet, inspiring and very much on their paths. These are the people that I should spend more time with. I'm lucky to know them as I had previously been so busy and so flaky that I didn't see them much. What a lesson!

The Right Man: Where are you? You are stable, calm, honest, confident, fun, smart, handsome and easy. If you are him, how will I not scare you away by all of this fluidity in my life? I will have to make sure not to overburden you with my need for stability. You're just a person. But, now I feel lovable and calm and emotionally responsible. I want to make a history with one person now. Are you ready?

Yoga: I went to the class of my beloved yoga instructor to whom I devoted my practice every day over the year. I am sorry to report that I found it absolutely bhakti beautiful as always, but the pace was too fast for me to truly enjoy the yoga. The music was too loud for me to relax. The space was too hot and constricting for me to feel easeful and restful. The asanas were far too demanding for me to keep up. Yet, at the end of class, we greeted eachother with a huge warm hug. I was so happy to see him. He's a beautiful, beautiful person who gives his heart fully and completely to his class. He asked if I needed anything and I asked if there were discounts. He told me I could come to his classes for free for three months. Life stikes a balance.

Two friends are holding weekly satsangs for a select group of yogis that want to incorporate the Sutras and the Gita into their lives. Of course, they're in San Francisco. I'd like to go. This may be a perfect segue back into a spiritual life in San Francisco.

Do I want to teach yoga? Yes, but not multiple time a day. I'd like to get settled first b/c I can't apply unless I know where I'll live. I can take classes near my mom's house for $40 for 30 days, but that is the vinyasa urban style and I don't know if it's for me. Will I even be here 30 days? Is it best to get out and do yoga, see if I can teach this style happily, or just do my own practice for now and explore Pt. Reyes b/c it's still calling to me. I think the answer is obvious: I'll go do my own practice in a moment.

One last thing: Finances. Everyone is consumed by it and it is infectious. The money will come. It will. I have a 401 K (more like a 201 K now) and I can take money if I need to. The last thing I want to do is to settle into a job I don't want full time and lose all of the clarity and calm I obtained from just being within. It is possible to balance work and health. It should be 50/50, really. How to do this and live in expensive CA? Is there a beautiful place where this is possible? Or should I go teach english abroad and live cheaply a little while longer???

It's all inside out again. Is this the natural flow of life? Spiral-like. Seems like it. Surrender...