Alive

I've been a headless chicken panicking, racing, networking, applying for everything and anything that comes my way. I've run around so often from the south to the east to the north bays, in and out of the city, that I'm always busy and always frazzled. The reason? I have no money. The bills for health, my phone and my future home are there. I've always had money and for the first time in my life, I have none. I can't find a job no matter how much I network and apply. This is the first time that my networking hasn't helped either. I can't join friends for dinner, dancing, lunch, events, classes, etc. I can't go to study groups where a monetary contribution and commitment is required b/c my priorities are survival - and although this is necessary for balance, I've lost that.

It was only today that I just stopped. Cleansed, meditated, did two hours of restorative yoga and grounded back into me. I was reminded just after meditation of my resolution theme for 2009: Clarity in my body. Where did it go? I forgot all about it. So, I'm inspired now to write that maybe there is a reason that I understand what so many people are going through. I hope, through yoga, to teach them how to deal. I'd like to offer it to them for free. This blog is the beginning.

I followed my heart and went to an ayurvedic center where I was given the name of a woman. She needs a roommate, has had a similar spiritual journey and is tapped into the east bay yoga world. Her place is looking for a teacher. Her place holds teachers from Nepal, Tibet and India. I'm meeting her today. The rent is cheap. I have my 401K (more like a 201K) to make ends meet temporarily, even though everyone panics about that prospect since my generation won't have social security payments. Then again, I'm living NOW. This feels right. Clarity. In my body.

I know that once I get more grounded, more situated, I will find the right path. I'm already on it. All these obstacles are enlightening me, guiding me. I've never been very effective with anything until I've felt it. Now I feel it. I feel the pain of no money. I feel the loss of identifying yourself with your ability to spend it. But, how about your own self? Your feelings? Connection with friends, with family, with theories, with philosophies that you believe in and can contribute to? Will this be the new paradigm that a struggling economy will find itself in? Absolutely. The more people that get this and can offer solace and power within oneself and the community, the better. This is supposed to be happening. I'm meant to experience this.

And, I'm still networking, but slowing down. I won't apply if it doesn't feel right. Simple. I am an attorney. I can volunteer somewhere to learn some skills and then start making my own way, if necessary. I think of billable hours and a stifling firm and it doesn't feel good. Simple. I think of networking or an alternative realm of law outside a traditional firm and it feels good. So, tonight I am meeting with a prominent criminal defense attorney who has made a reputation for himself defending medical marijuana and civil rights activists. His approach to the law is a renegade approach - it's not dry and mean. To work with a man like this would be colorful and hard and help me help people. I've applied to another that does non-profit establishment advice and trusts and estates. Again, this helps people. This feels right. So, it takes time. I say I have no money, but I have an IRA. Rather than freak out, just take a bit from my future, b/c this is the present, right. Get established, do what feels right and the money will come. Even a modest amount is all I need as I just get clear. In my body. Present. Alive. Thank God.