Arunachala New Year

In the state of Tamil Nadu, there is a town called Tiruvannamalai and in this town there is a mountain called Arunchala. It is not spectacular and imposing like the Himalayas that I trekked through in Ladakh in Zanskar and drove past in Nepal. Instead, it is said to be the oldest mountain in the world, created from the fire of Shiva. It is, the people here say, pure 100% Shiva energy. For those of you not familiar with Hindu lore, Shiva represents the pure masculine destructive force and regenerative arising that is created from that destruction, like phoenix from the ashes. When combined with divine feminine shakti energy, the union of masculine and feminine creates life. Thus, Shiva is the life force, highly revered in India, as represented by billions of lingums (phallic symbols) in just about every nook and cranny of India.
I like Shiva. A lot. He slays what doesn't serve the highest purpose of one in one's life and starts over from nothing. In a way, I'm kindof going back to that. And what I realize, as with Shiva, is that starting from nothingness is a beautiful way to live. It doesn't take leaving your life or anything dramatic and draconian to reach a state of nothingness, it's merely a recognition that something happened and letting it pass by without completely attaching to it and losing yourself in external circumstances. So, if something happens, I respond, I notice the response, let it go and start over, fresh and new for the next thing that happens. Not bad.
I wonder as the weeks of this journey come to an end, what on earth will I do when I go home?
Something will happen? I'll return home. People will ask "so what are you going to do now" and I'll get that crunchy feeling in my stomach and it will start knotting all around in response....OR I'll breathe into that crunchy part, let it go, say "I'm not sure" and trust that in truth, not knowing, not being attached to anything, not even having a plan, is exactly where I need to be. In fact, I have a world of opportunities awaiting me - meeting me - wherever I go.

This mountain is famous because a guru named Maharani Ramana meditated in one of the caves for 19 years and reached enlightenment. When he was a boy of 16 years old in stellar health, he had a sudden fear of death overtaking him...and he panicked. He then realized that death of the body is not death of the mind. He asked himself again and again, "who am I?" And he kept coming back to "I am not the body, I am not the doer." My understanding is that the essence of his realization was that the universe moves us along as players on the playboard of life and everything is interconnected. Thus, nothing matters and no one matters. If we realize this, there is no panic about what and where and who. "But, what about real life?" I think, "bills and babies (I may have someday?) and jobs, etc." "How does one implement this 'I am not the body business' into actual business?!?" Well, again, it comes to feeling your body, feeling that most of the time, I let external situations determine my experience, rather than feeling from the inside out. If I encounter something and I have a feeling, do I ask how I feel or react? I've always reacted. I've always taken it personally. Yet, there has never been anything personal. Perhaps, a better way to just relax and feel good in this world is just to feel my body in any situation from the inside out, breathe so I am relaxed and recognize that whatever drama is happening around me is just part of the play of life and I am an observer. Just an observer. Yes, every action has a reaction. So, why not react in a way that is from love and peace and calm, not fear or resentment or personal pride? This is what I've resolved to do for 2009: be in the body and be calm. No matter what. Happy New Year.

I've been trying this system out in Tiruvannamalai and I feel calm and peaceful and very serene. It's a world of difference from Kerala and the way I felt there. I remind myself that the world of litigiation made me as agitated and frustrated as Kerala. As soon as I left Kerala and came to Tamil Nadu, I felt lighter and better. This may be evidence that the surroundings DO matter as far as vibrational frequencies are concerned. Layering the Ramana Maharishi "I am not the doer" logic on top of the law of physics, I do believe we are susceptible to the vibrational frequencies in the world because we can't control those frequencies. If we can't change the facts, we CAN change the way we deal with them. Kerala wasn't working. I calmed down, stopped resisting so much, tried to see the beauty, and things changed for the better. But, it still didn't feel right. A rugged Australian traveller told me, "when you're doing the wrong thing, it just spits you out." In a way, I feel litigation did that to me: "[Spat] Get outta here lady, what the f#*! are you doing here, anyway?" And so, here I am. I like the circumstances in Tamil better. I think I may like a profession that is not litigation better. I'll just go with the vibrational frequency. FEEL it. Period.

Now for the question of "Who am I?" Well that's a tough one. I'm no one, nothing and everyone, everything. I feel all emotions all the time. I'm a whirling dervish of sensations and I am as radiant as I've ever been. Why? Because I've been exploring. Not only the world, but myself from the inside out. And I love it. I wish for everyone to have such a journey. No one can quite tag me when they meet me. I may be an American. Most people guess that I'm French. I may have been a lawyer. Most people can't guess what I've been before, but they're not surprised when I say I teach yoga. I used to squeeze into size 10 and now I can squeeze into a size 6 (barely). I used to be brunette and now my hair is gold. I am 35. Most people guess I'm in my late 20s. I'm about to return home. No one can guess where I'm from. My faith in god comes from the experiences I have in my body through yoga, through nature, through connected vibrations. Most people guess that I have no faith. So, that just goes to prove, who I am is always changing depending on the observer, the circumstances, the way the question is considered. As I consider who I am, I just feel like a lucky little peon on this orb of existence fluttering away in a little space creating and responding to other ripples in the universe. That's it. There's something very refreshing in that realization. Do you get it? I hope so.

This place is filled with spiritual seekers. There are more satsangs and bhajans and ashrams and yoga and spiritual healing and new age seekers here than I've seen in the whole of one Earthdance Festival. The thing is that these are older seekers from all around the world. They're open. They're kind. They've got the same judgmental superiority air of "I was here first" as anyone anywhere. But, they're all here for the purpose of going within, asking "who am I" and radiating with the vibrational frequncy of Shiva via Mt. Arunchula. Who am I to say it's all a bunch of new age mumbo jumbo masquerading as an ancient indian guru secret? I've experience peace here. I've experienced inner exploration. So have they. Something works with this formula. And then it doesn't. But that's just life.

I walk along the street and a bus misses me by inches. I don't panic, I notice it, thank God that I didn't just die and keep walking. If I die, that's it. Time to go. I can't control it. Of course, I could avoid walking near buses, but in India, they seem to appear out of nowhere. Everything does all the time, but I finally understand how in the midst of all this chaos and near death collissions everywhere, the Indians are so calm. They're just flowing within and without. Peaceful. Santosha. My theme for 2008 was santosha/contentment. Just in the nick of time, I got it. I felt it. I experienced it. Thank you India. Thank you very much. Thank you Kyra and the universe, etc. Now I'll stop rambling and get to some storytelling...

Val and I are cramped into a little tiny ashram room with a full size bed. She's 5'11 and I'm 5'9". Her nose is often almost nestled into my armpit and somehow, we've adjusted to this sleeping arrangement. There are horns and bells and fireworks and people yelling and cows moving and clanging carts just outside of our window and we simply wear ear plugs to maintain some peace. We have no sink, just a bucket and a faucet - at least it's running water. And it's clean. But, it's funny. It's funny to think of my luxurious penthouse apartment in San Francisco and her even fancier one on Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. Yet...here we are. Like this. Who knew?

There's a lady named ShivaShakti here who is supposed to be a transmission of the divine bliss. People go to sit in a room. She walks in, sits down then walks around once to look at each person in the eye. This is supposed to be a divine transmission of grace. I was a bit skeptical. I sit down, she comes in, she is tiny and very peaceful looking. She looks at me and without blinking manages to send me a twinkling little warm fuzzy from her eyes. I'm tickled. I return the next day and she does it again. This time I send her a warm fuzzy back and her lips curl into a bit of a smile. I think. Anyway, I love that all the people are here, again, just to experience some kindness, some love, some bliss from the universe. They can revere anybody, I don't care, I just love that they aspire to this and they live it. I admire them for it.

And who knows? It's quite possible that people can transmit energy through their body unto another. I experienced this several times: once with Baba Hari Das on New Year's Day 2007. I was so sad and disconnected from others after years of litigation and a bad break up with a man that broke my heart. When I finally felt more sad than I ever had before, I asked him what this was. He told me sadness is the necessary first step for any spiritual journey and I could either lose my mind to the pain or merge with the pain, keep a strong mind and my path would unfurl. I didn't know what he meant, but I realized that my prior path was no doubt of the losing my mind bent and I didn't know what to do. All I knew was that I wanted out of the pain of living a life that made me feel isolated, alone and very sad. As soon as I decided I wouldn't live like this anymore and that I'd try to merge with the pain instead of ignoring it and keep a strong mind instead of a skeptical and dismissive one, I decided to surrender and just trust that the universe would flow exactly as it needed to. When I made that decision, he looked at me and I swear to God that white gold light went straight from his third eye to mine and down my shushumuna and it cradled my sadness like a lotus flower in my belly in a pool of white gold light. With one look, this man connected me with the bliss that I could see and not feel from everyone around me. blew my mind as I would never have believed this could happen. But it did. So it is possible that certain enlightened beings can transmit light to us? Absolutely. I had to experience it to believe it. But, it's not always good...

Sometimes, power and reverence exacted by devotees can go too far. I heard that a self proclaimed avatar named 'Adi Da' passed out of his body, i.e. died, last month. It made me remember something very uncomfortable that happened to me in late Sept. 2006. I had several acquaintances in San Francisco that are devotees of Adi Da. They refer to him as 'Beloved' and they revere him and sign a contract that dedicates their life to him. I went to a two day play written by him that explains his journey to consciousness because my friend was in it and I wanted to support her. I was also curious about how someone so smart and sophisticated could willingly devote herself to another like this. The play was performed in their commune in Lake County. Adi Da was on his island in Fiji at the time. My friend did a great job in a play that I found dark and disturbing. At the end of the play, I was informed that Adi Da's assistant called from Fiji to see who I was b/c my name appeared on the attendee list and I wasn't a devotee. "This is great news, perhaps he'll come to you in a dream now, he has that power, and he knows who you are" mused my friends. I was not happy to hear this, nor did I believe for a second that it would. So, I went to bed that night and sure enough, he came. Five times, he appeared in front of me with open arms and loomed all around me. I didn't like it. I didn't want him. I asked him to leave. He wouldn't. Five times, I wrestled myself awake only to fall back into this looming presence around me in my sleep again. It felt like wrestling with a tiger. Fierce and indominatable. I finally went to my mantle and prostrated on my lambskin rugs before my boddhi sattva. I said, "please make him go, please make him go, please make him go" and I cried because I was terrified. Nothing like this had ever happened to me and I was terrified. I returned to sleep and he was gone. I later learned in Thailand that the best protection a beginning yogi has on her path is to sing a mantra to protect against encrosion by dark powers. I guess this is what I did. Of course, at the time, I wasn't a yogini. I didn't practice yoga. I didn't sing mantras. In fact, I didn't even know what the bodhi sattva was - I just saw him at an antique store and had to buy him because I though he was absolutely beautiful. So, this was my first time recognzing that there are powers that can't be explained. The power of Adi Da to transmute to my dreams and the power of me to be divinely guided to protect myself by prostrating to a boddhi sattva and doing a mantra of "please make him go." When I heard that Adi Da passed away, I was reminded of this experience. It used to make me feel like I was a lunatic. But, I come to a place like this and I see that while there may be many fakes out there, there are certainly many people capable of transmitting SOMETHING to other people. Who knew?
The reason this came up is because a beautiful french man named Allen who has been coming here for years told me he may move to Fiji with a group of people to start an ashram like community. He invited me to come. My first thought was that I didn't want to be near Adi Da. When he said he had passed, I was relieved. Then, I went down this path of what is real? who am I? are all these new agers crazy or actually on to something? i believe they're on to something. I didn't answer the frenchman. But, it's a nice offer. My yoga teacher in Thailand is starting a new yoga university and community in the Phillipines. He sent me an email about it. I could help in that tropical paradise, too. Another nice possibility.

On to men...well, India has been very kind to me on this front. It seems I have a golden spark. Wherever we go, we meet beautiful men. These men treat Val and I beautifully and I have had several sweet encounters with men from around the world. Without expending so much as an effort, I've received massages, presents, compliments, tours, meals, gifts, inspiring quotes and even poems from males around the world ranging in age from 23 to 53. It's as mind blowing as these spiritual transmissions, really. It just keeps coming and coming and coming...who knew? The most recent came from a Bulgarian that I danced with last night at the New Year's Eve party. He told me he has been seeing me for the past few days and I am one of the most radiant women he has ever seen. All he wanted to do was kiss my hand and press it to his heart. It was very sweet. Another frenchman told me the highlight of his day was my smell as we sang alongside eachother at his house with a group of people. Rather than taking offense at my singing abilities, I'll just accept that this was another little dollup of appreciation from man to woman. As I am wearing no perfume or deoderant, I can only appreciate the naturalness of the compliement. This man also wanted nothing from me - just to tell me what he appreciated about me.
I've become acutely aware in this place of spiritual seekers just how important it is to have that inner glow coming from within as opposed to outside. Of course, I love the attention and compliements, etc. that I get from these men, but it no longer determines my sense of self worth as it did before. I didn't feel complete if I wasn't wanted in some way. I grew angry, fat and resentful as a result and wasn't at all lovable. Now, I finally got that the love comes from within and I no longer need male affection to feel delicious. As a result, the men come in droves wherever we go and it's really quite funny. It's also funny because Valerie is gorgeous and I would expect all attention to go only to her, but with whatever I've got going, there's plenty of appreciation for me, too. Who knew?

I take all of this love and appreciation and go to satsangs where people discuss their struggles with a philosopher/spiritualist. They all say the same as Buddha: go within. A polished man with a rolex says the same as the bare chested yogi from Switzerland as the babas asking for baksheesh outside the ashrams as the gurus say in their books and teachings. Just go within. I attend bhajans where people sing their devotions to all thegod of the Hindu pantheon - rather than a multiGod focus, it's merely a focus on various aspects of one God. In song. It's a pleasure. Again, it comes from within to sing out with others in devotion. I go to pujas, ceremonies with fires and chanting and incense and flowers and ritual and singing - I feel the love of these people as they send their love to "Mt. Arunchala"and "Ramana" and it brings me such a sweet sense of peace to be here in the midst of all this devotion.

When I return to the United States, it will be tough not to besurrounded by such love and devotion all the time. Will the men and the compliments and the invitations and the opportunities continue to flow? Will life just provide for me? Will I keep an open mind and learn from the hardships, breathe easy through close calls and give thanks every single day for being alive? Well, if I'm in my body and clear, I think the answer is yes, yes, yes.

I don't know, but I trust. As I started 2008 to surrender and trust that there is an unbroken wholeness in flowing movement, I flow into 2009 with a deeper truth - the realization that love and life is ongoing always and all I can do is feel it in my bones - live it in my heart - and life will continue to be exactly what it should be. Even if that means living in spartan conditions and not being a lawyer anymore. Life is love. Happy New Year!