Blown Doors

One month since the last post. I've finished the teacher training course. It became progressively easier physically and progressively more difficult emotionally. I learned how to be more compassionate instead of judgmental with people and situations that I had no choice but to bear. The whole experience was positive - there were very good people - and not exactly the spiritual India retreat I had hoped for. Instead it was a practical, very effective means of teaching ashtanga yoga. I look forward to incorporating ashtanga into my bhakti chakra vinyasa classes (I haven't come up with a name yet, but no matter, b/c the yoga sala is not yet built where I am). The practice of ashtanga is rigorous and physical and rigid. It's a good balance with my windy ways of living. Grounding.

In the retreat, I received the base return to asana practice as well as a view to emotional blockages. I am very good at closing doors on people. In any situation. I enjoy them, even love them...but usually from a distance. There's something that keeps me from crossing an emotional portal with people and truly being close. Surrender on my own I can do. But with another...well, for that I believe I've found the right teacher. His name is Ken. He was the anatomy teacher for our teacher training course and an ashtanga teacher and a rolfer. I knew right away that this almost 50 year old man who looks like he's in his late 30s had something to offer to me.

First of all, I did three rolfing sessions with Ken. What is rolfing? In short - it's a release of emotional and physical blockages through intense "massage," ie. elbows and knuckles in deep places while I kinetically "meet him" by moving various opposing limbs. The result is a genuine release of stress and pain and elongation of limbs, light and space within my body and mind. As we go through each session, I learn a little bit about my attitude towards my body and life and see and experience an alternative way to exist that rather flows than opposes what's happening around me. For instance, in the first session, he touched upon a knot in my shoulder and I said "ah yes, that's it, let's GET RID of it!" and he suggested "how about you slide under it instead of attacking it?" So, I breathed under the knot as he suggested - the knot dissolved a bit in that instant. The next day, my shoulder and neck kept popping and cracking as it continued to dissolve years and years of stress from litigation and law school and desk jobs, etc. In that session, I kept asking him if it was supposed to feel like this, or if this was the right way, etc. Every time, he'd say "how does it feel for you?" and "you tell me if this feels like the right way." I realized that my whole life has been spent asking others how and why and where instead of just going into my own mind and body and FEELING. Gee, what do I want? What do I feel? It's not so much about what everyone else wants or thinks or does. Just me. Simple, I know. But with that interchange, it became abundantly clear to me that I'd never truly felt into me - I've measured my entire life with what others may want or expect. The exception of course has always come with travel. With travel, I've allowed myself to just go where I want and do what I want. But in REAL life, no. My only escape to not caring about others was with mind numbing substances in which I was detached and closed from myself and others in a bubble of inebriation. I was very grateful to not only hear this, but to EXPERIENCE this lesson in my body. I'll never forget this again.

The next session, I was supposed to ground into my feet while he did some work on my spine. I kept losing my footing while concentrating on what was happening at the top of my body. He reminded me again and again to find my footing. I realized that often in my yoga practice, as well as in my life, I rarely remain grounded or aware of my surroundings. I've since focused on my grounding in practice and life. I actually take the time to imagine what my footprints must look like on the sand as I walk b/c I can finally tune into their shape and understand the way I've carried myself through life. What a gift to have the time and insight to do this. I am becoming more grounded. From a solid foundation, life is much more relaxing. I also asked during the session, whether I should ground into my feet to resist the pressure he was applying. He asked "can you just meet me instead." Voila - in a nutshell. Meet, not resist. Meet, not resist. What a concept.

The last session was the most painful. He returned to the knot on my shoulder; the one that I would often hold in agony as it scrunched even tighter with the stress and anxiety of billing every six minutes of every day to my litigation practice. I breathed through it instead of tensing up, per his suggestion. At the end, I was dizzy. He grounded me through a deep shoulder massage, but my head felt fuzzy. That night, I had a nightmare that we were in ashtanga class and he told me to find my footing in tadasana/mountain pose, i.e. essentially a standing pose with two feet on the ground and two arms at the side. Simple. In my dream, I couldn't find my balance and was wobbling everywhere. I woke up the next morning and felt mentally and physically unstable. I wobbled in even the easiest of balancing poses and fell out of a couple of the more challenging ones. I kept cursing Ken every time he told me to do another vinyasa (fluid push-up sequence) and gave him venemous looks throughout class when he wasn't looking. I was pissed off and angry the entire time. At the end, when we sit in a meditative pose with crossed legs and a mudra (hand position) that unites the individual with the universe symbolically, I couldn't stop the tears from falling down my face. The crying continued through sivasana (the final resting/corpse pose). When I got up, I went to the restroom to stop the crying. I came out and shakily asked Ken, "what the hell is happening to me?" "I feel undone." "I can't control my emotions. I'm so angry and venemous and all this ugliness just keeps coming out of me." "Is this what we released last night?" I already knew the answer. He asked if I had dark thoughts that he should be concerned about. "Of course not." He said as long as they come in waves, and not constantly, to just ride through them. "We released all those years of litigation, Kyra, it's gotta come out sometime." And here it was - a flood of venom. He asked if I was a control freak before and I conceded that I was. He told me that it's scary not to have control of the emotions and it can be terrifying, but it's good to go through them. He told me to call him if it got really bad. I thanked him and he kissed me on the forehead.

I walked down to the beautiful Mandrem beach and into the Arabian Sea. I thought of the woman in Chopin's 'The Awakening' who escaped her miserable caged-pampered wife victorian life by going into the water and not coming out. I laughed that my life was nowhere as tragic, miserable, caged or pampered and I was grateful for my freedom, the wealth of my emotional range and the freedom to just FEEL and release all of this yucky stuff caged up inside me. So, I swam, I cried and I floated in the midst of it all. My venom drained into the Arabian Sea and the Arabian Sea cradled and rocked me like a baby as I released. I came out sunburned and exhausted and went home to sleep for two hours.

I met my friend Erin (from Thailand) for lunch and she told me my eyes looked more clear than they ever had. She said I was glowing. Indeed, I felt exhausted, but like I had loofa'ed (sp?) major emotional baggage away. The next day, I showed up at class much more myself, but lighter than I had been not only the day before, but in the last six years. This lesson - don't compress. Release. Merge with the pain. Let it flow. It's okay. Nothing will kill you, it will just make it better.

As a further result of rolfing , my ashtanga practice is more fluid. I study with Ken every weekday in a mysore style class. He is one of only 400 authorized Pathabi Jois instructors in the world, so to have him as a teacher and a rolfer is very auspicious for my development in yoga, indeed. He knows my body - he knows my range - and he helps lead me deeper into poses through expert adjustments. His knowledge of anatomy assures me that I can trust him to only take me as far as is healthy for me. And I'm going deeper than I ever have before.

I must admit that there's a confused element of me that isn't sure what to make of Ken. Marie Helene was convinced that he was the perfect man for me. I didn't see him like this - I told her I saw him as a teacher. He does look very similar in face to my ex boyfriend Lance and that does slay my heart anew if I think about it. But, he's a different man. But, what does a woman do when she meets a man with whom she can trust and surrender? And when she does, this man patiently and gently opens her up, helps her face her fears, helps her find peace within, helps her be a better person, a lighter being, just plain more open??? This sounds like the openings that love brings you - a partner with whom you can be a better person. Right? I have a high, very high regard for Ken, but I love and respect him as a teacher. I think he's amazing and I genuinely believe that when you are ready, the teacher will appear. He's that. In some ways, I think he's helping to develop me to be open enought and in love enough with myself to be READY when the right man for me appears. Right now, it's all about me. It's not about a man, any man. This is me. And Ken is sooooo helpful in helping me meet and love that person. I am very grateful for him. Thank you, Ken the rolfer.

As a further opening, I finally did something I always wanted to do. I pierced my nose. It didn't even hurt! I looked away and thought of ice cream and rainbows as the Italian lady pierced my nose with a needle and voila, finished! I loved the way it looked. Upon looking in the mirror, I jumped up and down and squeaed "I did it, I did it, I did it!" My friend Val, who was with me, just stood by and smiled at my childish excitement. I love having a pierced nose. On the way home, I noticed several people looking at me. I thought it must be b/c of my beautiful nose ring. I later realized that my turn signal was on the whole time. My sweet soul buddy Marie Helene is usually on the back of my bike and tells me to turn it off when I forgot. Because she returned to Kuwait (weep!), I no longer have that reminder.

A word on Marie Helene - she is truly a wonderful, generous person. She will be my friend for life. We connected instantly and had it not been for her and her brilliant wit and sense of humor, the month during the yoga course wouldn't have been nearly as enjoyable. With her, every day was great. I befriended her b/c she was a miserable virgo who wouldn't eat anything but biscuits out of plastic wrappers. She was appalled and disgusted by the dirt and grime of India. She had just spent eight years living in Dubai where everything is immaculate, air conditioned and enclosed. Her courage in even coming to India is remarkable! So, I told her, "look, tomorrow I'm renting a motorbike, we're going out for lunch and I guarantee you'll finish the day in love with India." So we went. We went to a semi-nice outdoor restaurant where you could see the tandoori chef preparing the food and she ate real food. Hurray! We talked and talked and talked so much (for three hours straight) so that when she checked her watch, we'd already missed one hour of class! We started to drive home when the only torrential downpour since I've been here occurred. We were sopping wet. We got to class and everyone moved into the restaurant b/c it was covered (our yoga sala had no walls and was soaking). This would've been fine, except for the fact that the floor was thick dirt. For the last 15 minutes of the class we barely made it to, we were doing upward dogs, pushups and downward dogs with soaking wet clothes that grew increasingly muddier with each vinyasa. At one point, she looked at me dirty, muddy and with her wild blonde curls splayed on her wet face and we started cracking up. Indeed, she fell in love with India that day. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. The next lunch, I took her nearby to a thali joint that was the dirtiest one I could find. But, the food was deliciuos and she ate it. After getting dirty and eating dirty, she no longer had hesitations with all things India. She blossomed and opened and laughed a lot. I admire her courage, her humor, her openness and her bravery. A brilliant soul! On her last day, she reflected with a smile "I'm surprised at how much I love India. Markus (her husband) will be shocked. I want to come back here." Another convert. Another beautiful being on the path. I love you Marie Helene.

A few days ago, after Marie Helene left, I had a dinner party when the restaurant opened and several people showed up - a motley cast of characters that I've had the good fortune of meeting. Freeman from junior high; Valerie - an ex fashion model who retired at 30 and spent a year in the jungle studying herb derived medicines from shamans and is now travelling through India; Robert - Val's friend from Ireland who is on a spiritual quest and sang Irish songs through the evening; Shantam and Niko - two hippys in their 50s who play flute and a slough of instruments and Niko's demure and quiet Japanese girlfriend Gone; Ken; Dylan- a devilishly handsome and flirty ashtanga teacher who has travelled the world and taught yoga for years and years and years and rapped some of his original scripts; a wild Frenchwoman and her English lover who I met earlier in a cafe and b/c they kept staring at me smiling, I just invited them - and they came - and she sang in a beautiful french voice. The food was delicious as we reclined on pillows looking over the lake and up to the stars. The guests were entertaining and amused and everyone had a lovely, lovely evening. I kept pinching myself that this was my dinner party. What a life!

I just took a weekend dance workshop called the Five Rhythms where you dance for hours and release emotional stuff. It's a new agey thing prevalent in the SF North Bay that I've always been skeptical about. So, of course I decided to go, since the emcee was a famous lady from LA. The workshop was great. A lot of stuff came up about me closing my eyes or not making eye contact with people while dancing. Again, I was reminded about how I'm out there in the public, but always maintain somewhat of a distance from most people. Why? I don't know. But, I allowed myself to make eye contact, dance with people, and have a good time. I wasn't high and my eyes weren't closed. For the first time in my life, I felt the ripple of music undulate through my body as I danced in community with other people and I loved it! I took the emcee to a nearby town to go to the market and we got lost on the way back. The ten minue drive took 1.5 hours as we toured throught the lovely Goan countryside. We had a great time and made it in time for class. She let me stay in her hotel room b/c I didn't have the exorbinant amount of money to pay for my own room. She is full of vitality and I'd recommend her course to anyone. We may take a tour of Hampi together before she leaves India. Time will tell....

My bollywood actor friend who I met while dancing around in the sand dunes with gypsies in Northern Rajastan came around for a visit. Asif Basra is on his way to a film release and unfortunately I can't go with him, but it was lovely to see him. He'll be returning with his friends to Goa and I sincerely hope that he'll choose to stay again with my friends at Whispering Lakes Resort. He has an idea of a television show where he travels the backwoods of India on a cultural tour. He invited me to be a guest on one of his shows and we discussed that I can also be his personal yoga trainer if I live in Bombay and he can refer me to other people. After some photos, he asked if I was interested in acting....Time will tell...

So, I call this posting blown doors b/c while I've been in Goa, so many barricades have been eroded or dissolved or simply blown away by a lovely light energy that makes life...easier. And it's not always easy. For instance, I am being terrorized by a rat who is becoming more territorial of our shared bungalow that he actually ran across my arm from the other side of my mosquito net at 3 in the morning! He eats my soap, knocks over all my toiletries from my bathroom shelves and spills my coconut hair oil all over the floor just to take a sip. He has broken into my bungalow through his own doors in the roof and the floors and I can't even have a standing glass of water without him getting into it. Sunni promises that he'll set a trap today and I genuinely want the vermin dead! He's gone waaaaay to far this time. He's huge and not at all cute and he simply won't. let. me. sleep. Ah, India!

But, it's all worth while. I still don't know what I'll do when I get home or if I'll even stay, but Alex's words "India will take care of you and then you'll take care of India" stay with me. India has taken beautiful care of me. I love this place. I will stay as long as I can - until my visa expires on Jan. 17 - and continue to meet and merge and surrender and open. Thank you, India. The boys say the yoga sala will commence building in a couple of days. I am looking very forward to teaching classes in such a lovely place and finally giving back even an iota of what India has given me to others.