Delhi Daze

The first thing I noticed when I stepped off the plane was the heat. Heavy - too heavy - and it was only 7:50 a.m. The second thing I noticed was the yellowish brown fog resting on the airport runway and beyond. Leh was beautiful, clear, blue and refreshingly cold when I left. My, how things change quickly. My sunglasses broke as soon as I put them in my purse at baggage claim. A taxi driver charged to charge me twice the rate to get to the backpacker area and walked me all the way back to the airport lying about the rate. He said "you see, you go ask and you'll come back." I saw, I asked, I came back with a receipt for half the rate for another driver and he was nowhere to be found. The drive into town was stop and go with no air conditioning, plenty of horns and burps of exhaust through the windows. I checked into a nicer hotel with a/c and a television - I watched the drama of Bollywood and fell asleep only to be awoken from my sweet sleep by the sounds of Delhi - incessant honks, so many horns, non-stop horns, to greet my new afternoon. Welcome back to Delhi.
I feel very alone. I just bought a pair of sunglasses that are glamorous and impractical b/c I'm sick of all of my ragged clothes and wild hair. I tried to buy some clothes, but all of the material in this area of Delhi is cheap and tacky. I could walk to Connaught Place and do some western shopping, but that's not why I'm in India. When I was trekking in Zanskar, I dreamt one night of my supple leather skirt that is camel colored and my carmel colored suede boots and my soft mohair overcoat - I was so happy to have nice clothes again...then I woke up in a tent with a hat on my greasy head to keep from freezing or getting wet from the condensation of the tent, which was hardly long enough for my 5'9 1/2" frame. I am feeling the need for luxury right now. Or company. I don't know. Both, actually. I wish I had my girlfriends from San Francisco and we could go hiking or dining in whatever felt comfortable and looked great and clean to wear. I know this is a spiritual journey, but sometimes I just want luxury. Guess saddhuhood isn't for me.
I also started feeling really alone in Zanskar. I blogged about it a bit with "what is my place, et al." but now I see how people are together while travelling and wish I had someone. Now I see mothers on bollywood shows doting on their sons and I wish I had my mother or I actually would marry someone and have a fun. I wonder often if I should have married my first true love, RK. Did I make a mistake? Will I be alone forever? I just felt like wallowing on my blog b/c I'm so utterly depressed today and I figured I should capture it and share it with you all. It's real.
I bought a book on Egypt and am looking forward to my lonely five days at the beach before my two week tour with Intrepid. After, in Morocco, it's hard to tell whether I'll feel alone or not. After Morocco, where will I go? Why am I still travelling? What am I doing?
Today, I really don't know. I'm in a dirty city with a crumby attitude. Even still, at the hotel desk, I met two travellers who are looking to rent a car and drive around Rajastan. I'm supposed to meet them in 30 minutes to see how we get along and whether I can join them for two weeks. I'm in a really grumpy mood and am wondering if I'm weak to just grab on to the first people who came along. But then again, they're the ONLY people I've spoken to since I got here aside from service people. So, is this the universe once again providing me with exactly what I need?
If so, I am grateful. Yet, I just feel very, very, very alone today. Woe is me. Happy real birthday to my beloved sister Lisa - she is a beautiful human being and I wish I could hug her right now. Sometimes, she's lonely too. Family shouldn't be so far apart. Why am I so far away from everyone right now? It hurts.