| Today, I have a scooter and I've gone a solo journey to a beach on the north side of the island. It has a sandbar going out to a little island which I will traverse just after I write this blog. There, I will snorkel, sunbathe, read my homework in preparation for tomorrow's test, then drive my moped back to Pyramid for the 6:00 drum workshop, followed by singing at 7:30 in the sound dome. I just gave Marina a recording of all of the songs I learned from Rusty Wells and Janet Stone in San Francisco. I'm hopeful that she'll incorporate it into our Sunday night Kirtans. I sing the songs daily on my own, but they're so fun that I'd love to share them with everybody. In fact, I just led a call and response at a campfire the other night and it was incredible. That is another dream come true - singing around a campfire and having people sing back - and like my voice! Beautiful! I bombed my first exam. 64%. I was shocked. How could I score so low - it's just yoga? Then I realized that I had been skeptical of everything we were learning, didn't read the chapter and generally expected that I'd sail through it. In fact, there are deep levels of knowledge from physiological, psychological, energetic, historical and anatomical levels that I truly need to delve into to grasp the science of yoga they are teaching. This is hatha yoga - many aspects of it - there is much to learn. I'm no longer reading and writing every day - I have to get over my resistance to reading. I realized that I stopped reading anything serious a long time ago as I just plain read too much at work. I love people - I missed human interaction. Here, however, what I have to read is all about yoga, my own journey through this experiential process, and it is incredible to turn life completely inside out and upside down. Why not just dive in? No need for skepticims. The other day, I was watching a mandala morph in and out of shape to follow the vibrational currencies of energies and I laughed out loud b/c this is work! Ha! We are learning how to tap into the energy of sound, voice, visuals, movement, breathing, affirmations, dance, asanas - and it's soo new. I am coloring and dancing and singing and meditating. There are sweet places of peace that I've dropped into if only for a moment that are a silent stillness that I've never known. This is recovery for thinking too much - I'm in rehab! How to be a hippy? No. How to be a yogi tuning in with the frequencies of the electromagnetic frequencies of the universe and just let my hair down while learning all of the incredible benefits of yoga for health, creativity and imagination? Absolutely! |
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Just Breathe
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Pyramid Yoga
In the middle (slightly southwest, actually) of the Gulf of Thailand is an island called Koh Phangan. On Koh Phangan is a little beach called Haad Salad and directly up and up and up and up the hill is a jungle looking out over the west. In the middle of this jungle is a giant pyramid with a grass roof and hardwood floors surrounded by the largest bright blue mosquito net ever seen. Within that pyramid, I am learning the Science of Yoga. We are studying everything yoga related, i.e. chanting, singing, breathing, meditation, the chakras, electromagnetic energy and the law of physics, physiology, psychology, anatomy, spirituality, doing good deeds, studying yogic texts and of course doing the asanas (108 physical postures). There are people from all over the world and of all ages studying here (22 women and 3 men) for various reasons. All of them are special in their own right - unique - curious - well travelled - and sophisticated. I have a lovely little bungalow detached from the Pyramid property and am just beginning to get grounded now that we are in our second week.
There is much much much much much to say. I don't really know where to begin. I miss Rusty and Janet's classes very much. I was initially frustrated at the slow pace in which we did our asana practice. We spent the first two days learning how to breathe and doing an entire class learning only five very basic poses like tadasana (mountain pose). I cursed myself for not downloading Rusty's cd so that I could have a good ole' vinyasa class on my lovely balcony. I missed singing with Rusty and Janet and took to singing all the time around the property and silently when in class. I felt restless to get a motorbike and explore the island rather than read my books and write in my journal. During meditation, I would think five thousand thoughts and curse myself for not stopping. Then...it hit me...as we were doing asanas today, David (one of two teachers) said 'just let the flow of your breath move you in and out of the pose.' Although Rusty often said to move with the breath, I was often so busy keeping up with the incredible yogins around me that I forgot to breathe. Slowing down in yoga was actually the best thing I could've done for my practice. I did actually feel the breath. I can hear myself breathing now, as opposed to feeling like one day I'd catch up and breathe. Although their chants and songs are also slower than Rusty and Janet's, I am grateful for what has come to me and the ability to have voice training, yes! voice training, in order to sing these songs. I still sing their songs all the time and Marina (the other teacher) has asked me to sing on her dictaphone so they can broaden their repertoire. So there are Rusty and Janet's songs all the way over in Thailand! Today in mediation, I actually plunged into a ripple of calm and felt it's vibrations tickle around me like a feather - it was so calm. I've had people tell me very funny things about myself like: "I wish I was as flexible as you - you're forward bend looks so joyful!" and "you seem pretty cool," i.e. not pitha (but I am a pitha - which means fire energy in ayuverdic properties, I think) and "how are you so laid back, is that b/c you're from California?" One yoga teacher even pulled me up in front of class to show everybody what hyperextension looks like and how I automatically compensate, i.e. make adjustments to ensure that I don't hurt myself in postures - thank YOU Rusty and Janet for teaching me how to do this - I wasn't even aware that I was so flexible or hyperextended - I just learned from you how to do it correctly for me! My point is this: I'm pretty relaxed here. This yoga stuff is really helping. People see me as a way I've always wanted to feel and it's pretty mindblowing. My forward fold, i.e. forward journey IS indeed joyous! Here, we learn everything about yoga - not just exercise.
Although there are some challenges, too. We are starting with the first chakra and looking at the root principles. We've been charged with some challenging questions and I've seen very clearly that I have been living in a pattern that is fast, rapid, successful and very loving but busy. It's really nice to just relax and feel into my breath, feel into movement, feel into my emotions, feel into life, feel into nature and just feel into my connection with the universe on a physiological level. I never realized that electromagnetic physics could be so fascinating! Albert Einstein himself was a yogi. He said that imagination is more powerful than knowledge. If this is imagination and I have all the knowledge of a great education, an incredible community, a loving family and a wealth of travels and adventures, I can only imagine the possibilities as I feel into things, break down internal barriers and allow myself to creatively flow with my imagination. The first chakra is about survival as well as creativity. It is the building block for all. Mine has been too busy to truly explore this realm. Now is the time. I expect great, beautiful, super colorful things to come out of this. I am glad I am here.
I do miss you all - please write. BTW, I don't have my cell phone so no text messages to the old number. Just e-mail (on this blog or kmillich@hotmail.com). Much love to you, diving beings!
Kyra
There is much much much much much to say. I don't really know where to begin. I miss Rusty and Janet's classes very much. I was initially frustrated at the slow pace in which we did our asana practice. We spent the first two days learning how to breathe and doing an entire class learning only five very basic poses like tadasana (mountain pose). I cursed myself for not downloading Rusty's cd so that I could have a good ole' vinyasa class on my lovely balcony. I missed singing with Rusty and Janet and took to singing all the time around the property and silently when in class. I felt restless to get a motorbike and explore the island rather than read my books and write in my journal. During meditation, I would think five thousand thoughts and curse myself for not stopping. Then...it hit me...as we were doing asanas today, David (one of two teachers) said 'just let the flow of your breath move you in and out of the pose.' Although Rusty often said to move with the breath, I was often so busy keeping up with the incredible yogins around me that I forgot to breathe. Slowing down in yoga was actually the best thing I could've done for my practice. I did actually feel the breath. I can hear myself breathing now, as opposed to feeling like one day I'd catch up and breathe. Although their chants and songs are also slower than Rusty and Janet's, I am grateful for what has come to me and the ability to have voice training, yes! voice training, in order to sing these songs. I still sing their songs all the time and Marina (the other teacher) has asked me to sing on her dictaphone so they can broaden their repertoire. So there are Rusty and Janet's songs all the way over in Thailand! Today in mediation, I actually plunged into a ripple of calm and felt it's vibrations tickle around me like a feather - it was so calm. I've had people tell me very funny things about myself like: "I wish I was as flexible as you - you're forward bend looks so joyful!" and "you seem pretty cool," i.e. not pitha (but I am a pitha - which means fire energy in ayuverdic properties, I think) and "how are you so laid back, is that b/c you're from California?" One yoga teacher even pulled me up in front of class to show everybody what hyperextension looks like and how I automatically compensate, i.e. make adjustments to ensure that I don't hurt myself in postures - thank YOU Rusty and Janet for teaching me how to do this - I wasn't even aware that I was so flexible or hyperextended - I just learned from you how to do it correctly for me! My point is this: I'm pretty relaxed here. This yoga stuff is really helping. People see me as a way I've always wanted to feel and it's pretty mindblowing. My forward fold, i.e. forward journey IS indeed joyous! Here, we learn everything about yoga - not just exercise.
Although there are some challenges, too. We are starting with the first chakra and looking at the root principles. We've been charged with some challenging questions and I've seen very clearly that I have been living in a pattern that is fast, rapid, successful and very loving but busy. It's really nice to just relax and feel into my breath, feel into movement, feel into my emotions, feel into life, feel into nature and just feel into my connection with the universe on a physiological level. I never realized that electromagnetic physics could be so fascinating! Albert Einstein himself was a yogi. He said that imagination is more powerful than knowledge. If this is imagination and I have all the knowledge of a great education, an incredible community, a loving family and a wealth of travels and adventures, I can only imagine the possibilities as I feel into things, break down internal barriers and allow myself to creatively flow with my imagination. The first chakra is about survival as well as creativity. It is the building block for all. Mine has been too busy to truly explore this realm. Now is the time. I expect great, beautiful, super colorful things to come out of this. I am glad I am here.
I do miss you all - please write. BTW, I don't have my cell phone so no text messages to the old number. Just e-mail (on this blog or kmillich@hotmail.com). Much love to you, diving beings!
Kyra
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Sanctuary
There is a place on Koh Phangan called 'The Sanctuary.' I love it. The beach consists of light soft pebbles and sand and warm and wild waves dance from every direction to spill into a booming curl of wave after wave - a milder, gentler version of the Pacific - but no less enchanting for its sound or vitality. The people are open and relaxed from all over the world - they bring with them their cultures, their accents, their unique sense of style - yet they all seem to share this common mode of contentment. It is a community of Santosha only further enlivened by the quartz bolders radiating their energy into the bungalows and jungle gardens and towering palm trees billowing in the breeze. Many people have left their countries for a month or more, many have visited again and then again and then again only to reside here for six months and back at home for another six months to make money. I've met yoga teachers, a cartoon artist, a truffle maker, a tarot card reader, a filmmaker, a spa designer and so many others - all creative, all passionate about what they do, and all relaxing in and around this beautiful bay. It is nice to see that when people actually leave their lives' routines, that they do not have to live in squalor or out of a backpack - indeed, they can find communities that nurture and inspire, while the indiviuals maintain their unique personalities and in fact go deeper into themselves in this environment. I'm not exaggerating when I say that the people here have a glow - they are quite simply beautiful - contentment and following one's heart radiate from the inside out.
For instance, my neighbor at my first bungalow was so inspired that he sang opera first thing in the morning. While this is a lovely example of his openness and joy of life which I can appreciate, I chose to do so from afar. I moved. I also found it a bit odd that this particular garden bungalow overlooked an open air gym complete with perfectly polished weight machines. It's aptly called 'Jungle Gym.' A trip.
The next bungalow was just above the Sanctuary kitchen and lounge/restaurant area. A scientist named Bob was a returning traveller here, who like so many returning travelers to the Sanctuary, had been welcomed by the community and thrown a party on the eve of his departure. The music selection and the sound system are both fantastic and Bob quite liked dancing. I hope he will be safe as he returns to his violence-filled society in Kenya. The party went well into the morning and again, I appreciate the love, the lack of rules, the celebration of commnity and the incredible people here, but I chose to do so from afar. I moved further up the hill to lovely Bungalow 6. Imagine an outdoor shower with grantite spilling into the chamber on which you can shave your legs, place your things and get energized by all at once. Imagine further a little bungalow with a deck and hammock overlooking the crashing blue waves of the Gulf of Thailand and green jugles spilling over boulders onto the sand. This was my lovely little home for three more nights. It was perfect!
Just over the hill is a delicious restaurant with a breathtaking view. I was invited by a couple of people to attend a birthday dinner of one of the yoga instructors the third night that I was at Sanctuary. I went to the party and the couple who invited me (one man was from San Francisco and the woman says she recognizes me from San Francisco - she's an Aussie but his girlfriend for a while - both burners) were not there. Sprawled out on pillows among low tables piled with mounds of mouth-watering Thai food and coconuts were dozens of layed back 'local transplants.' I greeted the beautiful birthday girl, Lily, who is a yoga teacher as she was getting four massages - on each limb from adoring men - and beaming a bright beautiful smile onto the party. The moon shined behind her and the sound of the waves far below made it seem like we were all floating. I wished her a happy birthday and joined the party. Even though I knew nobody, every person was open and kind. Within moments Kate from England and I were sharing a lovely steamed fish that we ate with our fingers - succulent sweet and spicy, it was. Kate has returned many times to this place and spent a long time travelling - she is me in a couple of years. She is relaxed, smart and beautiful. She said 'I look forward to seeing you again after your course.' I couldn't agree more. On my other side was Marisa - a champion thai boxer from Australia (I think) - who decided there should be gyms on the island. She started 'Jungle Gym.' Who knew a foreigner could come up with such a wacky idea and apparently be quite successful? Wild.
The list goes on...the beauty of all of this, the realization that I'd left it all behind, the stark contrast between me and them as far as how completely laid back they were, the realization that every person at the table had chosen to change their lives in this manner....well, it was quite simply overwhelming. I kept feeling waves of emotion. I got up and walked to a giant boulder nearby and laid down to gaze at the stars and process my feelings. Shortly thereafter, I was joined by one of the men at the table - a wild blue eyed blonde with a gentle nature - named Shane. He silently joined me from a distance and after a few minutes we pointed out constellations to eachother and reveled in the beauty of the night sky. He then got up and rejoined the party. I did the same a few minutes later. The interactions here are that simple. Easy, natural and good.
The next day, as I was swinging on my hammock, I realized that much of my life has been trying to be someone that I am not - trying to force a round peg into a square hole. For instance, as a pre-teen, I played sports - not b/c I liked them - but b/c that's what my friends were doing and I didn't want to miss out. I tried to get into jingle writing and accepted jobs that were secretarial and media trafficking oriented for several years instead of really going for it. I then went to law school b/c I felt like I hadn't had enough respect in life and people didn't think I was smart enough. Where I got this idea is still a mystery. My head. We all know that for me, practicing litigation was always a struggle. It feels like a life long ago now - accounting for every six minutes of my time in order to bill properly; thinking and writing analytically although my thoughts are florid and my writing more romantic than persuasive; rarely interacting face to face with anyone who was happy with their lives, i.e. opposing counsel, other lawyers and clients who had been screwed by the system in one way or another. I was fortunate to be in a law firm with good people who were kind-hearted and were passionate about consumer protection via the law. But, it never quite fit. I am processing this now - it's a lot to take in...all around me are people that have chosen paths that DO fit. Now is my time to do the same. Trust. Love. Surrender.
I met a giant of a man with dark hair and a keen intellect - again - radiant. He has returned to Sanctuary many times to teach a course in yoga with his partner, a stunning woman who is as zen as it gets. Like him, there is something settled and stoic and beautiful about her. This man told me I should take their course at the Sanctuary for one month beginning Feb. 22. He said to give Pyramid a week and then come back if I didn't like it. He said his course is the true course to learn to teach yoga properly. The new age aspects of Pyramid - with the singing, the chanting, the chakra study, the mandala drawing, etc. - although appealing to me seem to him to be superfluous new age stuff that can contribute to a solid base. But, he says, his course is the solid base that I need. When I told him that I signed up as a result of a series of serendipitous events, he said 'maybe that all happened just to get you on the island. Be spontaneous.' I grappled with this. Was this man a message sent by the universe to put me on the right course or was this an amplification of my usual pattern in following someone else's lead and not thinking for myself?
I had my tarot cards read by an exotic happy Spaniard who wore shells and leather on his scantily adorned tanned and toned body. His name is Pau. He reminds me much of another radiant, exotic man named JaJa back in San Francisco. I liked Pau immediately. His eyes shine. As he read my cards I silently asked if I should go with this man or go on my own. After Pau confirmed that I had a question in my mind, he answered 'you know emotionally what you want, you know what you love - the answer is yes - but you first need to develop your creativity and strength and have fun - not just one person is your teacher or your guide - you have the knowledge already within you but you just can't see it. Take your time. Follow your path. Stay open.' I asked out loud if my teacher would come to me. Pau read the cards and answered that my teacher had already come, that my teacher was everywhere - in a bird, in a child, in the ocean, in eachother. He said I am just beginning to open to all of this. I asked if I would heal people. He pulled cards and said that yes, I have already healed and inspired may people - that I stem from a very powerful source, but that I got preoccupied and bogged down and distracted from my path. He asked 'you have really delved into healing yourself about six months ago?' And I responded 'yes.' At about that time, I told my boss and my community that I was quitting my job and doing this course. I said it to everyone to make that affirmation - so I couldn't change my mind. He then explained that the next card showed a woman with a master teacher standing alongside her. She is looking at the balls and holding one in her hand, not looking at the master. He asked what I saw in the card and I said 'she seems selfish and foolish, here is this wise person waiting for her attention to share his wisdom and she's too preoccupied to notice.' Pau responded, 'no, no, don't you see that she is caring about her own needs, tending to her own development before blindly offering up what she has to someone else. This woman is you, she is not selfish, she is cultivating herself, honing her tools. The master stays there. When she is ready, then she can share with him. He reiterated that I am on my path, that it is okay to be on it. There is nothing selfish about it, nothing to feel bad about. Stay open, stay open, stay open. He asked what I saw in the next card and I said a sad woman with an empty cup. He laughed and said to take a closer look: indeed the cup was running over. The woman was a queen, looking lovingly at the cup as it spilled over. He said this is you - you are a powerful woman. Your cup is running over with love and energy and healing. Yet you choose not to see it. This is why you have come here. To open your eyes, to accept your nature, to open. The last card he asked again what I saw - I saw a sorrow filled girl. He lauged again and said this was a thoughtful and conscious princess - she is spreading her seeds of enlightenment all around to so many people. She is directed by the Queen's (my) vitality. He said that this interplay is my future. To open, to be conscious and powerful and healing and loving. But my present, my present is cultivating the tools to open my heart and embrace my true self.
The last day at Sanctuary I got a two hour thai massage from a lady named Mae at Bamboo Hut. Her place was on top of the boulder where I'd star gazed previously. I laid down overlooking the ocean as she twisted and pried me every which way. It felt incredible. She told me I need once a week or a month to get all of the bad energy out of me. She said my yoga practice has moved it all around b/c it's no longer dormant in my body but needs to get out with yoga and massage. She also told me not to think so much. She said it's time now for me to rid myself of the energy that makes me stiff. To stay open...she told me I am beautiful, only growing more beautiful...stay open...
This theme rises up again an again. First, with the breathwork in Oct. 2006, then with a western astrology reading, then with revelations I had taking Rusty Well's yoga courses, then again with a Vedic Astrological reading from Bhagavan Das. I was meant to heal, I am powerful, I am on a course of opening and opening and in doing so, finding my true path. Although the opportunity to build a foundation to truly teach yoga exists today from another person, I trust that my path has lead me to Pyramid Yoga Center. This is what I want to do. I stay open to taking the foundation course at some other point - perhaps in Sept. My true teacher, my self, says that Pyramid right now is the way. I like trusting that. It feels good.
I arrived at Pyramid Yoga Center yesterday. The bungalow I settled into (after one swap) has a lovely view of the Gulf of Thailand and an outdoor shower with a little zen garden slightly detached and walled off from the bathroom. I take solace knowing that the scorpions prefer rocks to wood floors, so there's little chance they'll climb up to my bungalow. I take further solace knowing that the endemic cobras don't like the smell of humans so there's little chance they'll decide to reside alongside my bed. Nice little rhyme there. Otherwise no other scary creepy crawlies to be cocerned with.
As for the center, there is a giant pyramid of mosquito net walls and a sprawling hardwood floor. It is sooooo peaceful. Doing yoga here twice a day for three months is a blessing. I went into the sound dome that is filled with pillows, instruments and mandalas. I sang a bit to Ganesha and it sounded delightful. I think I'm really going to like it here. The people could not be better. I was concerned they'd be too young and too new agey - and indeed they have alternative professions, but again they are open and nice- not closed off and spacey. Two women are MS energy healers from Bermuda (although one is originally from Scotland so has the lovely brogue I love so much from my days at Stirling Univ.), one couple is from Cyprus (the Greek side) - he is a masseus. One lady came from South Africa with her two year old son - her hubby is staying for one month. There are several Canadians involved in the fitness world and looking to bring some Eastern philosophy into their practices. There is a young man from Ireland who has been roaming the world for three years and is trying to figure out what to do next. There's a man who is 39 (older than me - yahoo! I'm not the oldest!) who is a neuro sound healer. There are a couple of brits - one a funny journalist who reminds me of my old pal Jodi although no one can compare of course. All in all, there are lots of exchanges of interesting energy work to be done. The people I've met are true to their course and very grounded in their alterative professions. Again, this is an example of a community of people who have followed their hearts in their life's work.
As I write this today, I am very grateful for this ongoing lesson and opening and exposure and journeying. At times, I just can't believe it. I hear a voice in my head saying "This can't be real, this isn't for you," and then I simply notice that voice pass by as I take in what is around me always remaining open and open and open and open...
The course begins tomorrow. The journey continues...
For instance, my neighbor at my first bungalow was so inspired that he sang opera first thing in the morning. While this is a lovely example of his openness and joy of life which I can appreciate, I chose to do so from afar. I moved. I also found it a bit odd that this particular garden bungalow overlooked an open air gym complete with perfectly polished weight machines. It's aptly called 'Jungle Gym.' A trip.
The next bungalow was just above the Sanctuary kitchen and lounge/restaurant area. A scientist named Bob was a returning traveller here, who like so many returning travelers to the Sanctuary, had been welcomed by the community and thrown a party on the eve of his departure. The music selection and the sound system are both fantastic and Bob quite liked dancing. I hope he will be safe as he returns to his violence-filled society in Kenya. The party went well into the morning and again, I appreciate the love, the lack of rules, the celebration of commnity and the incredible people here, but I chose to do so from afar. I moved further up the hill to lovely Bungalow 6. Imagine an outdoor shower with grantite spilling into the chamber on which you can shave your legs, place your things and get energized by all at once. Imagine further a little bungalow with a deck and hammock overlooking the crashing blue waves of the Gulf of Thailand and green jugles spilling over boulders onto the sand. This was my lovely little home for three more nights. It was perfect!
Just over the hill is a delicious restaurant with a breathtaking view. I was invited by a couple of people to attend a birthday dinner of one of the yoga instructors the third night that I was at Sanctuary. I went to the party and the couple who invited me (one man was from San Francisco and the woman says she recognizes me from San Francisco - she's an Aussie but his girlfriend for a while - both burners) were not there. Sprawled out on pillows among low tables piled with mounds of mouth-watering Thai food and coconuts were dozens of layed back 'local transplants.' I greeted the beautiful birthday girl, Lily, who is a yoga teacher as she was getting four massages - on each limb from adoring men - and beaming a bright beautiful smile onto the party. The moon shined behind her and the sound of the waves far below made it seem like we were all floating. I wished her a happy birthday and joined the party. Even though I knew nobody, every person was open and kind. Within moments Kate from England and I were sharing a lovely steamed fish that we ate with our fingers - succulent sweet and spicy, it was. Kate has returned many times to this place and spent a long time travelling - she is me in a couple of years. She is relaxed, smart and beautiful. She said 'I look forward to seeing you again after your course.' I couldn't agree more. On my other side was Marisa - a champion thai boxer from Australia (I think) - who decided there should be gyms on the island. She started 'Jungle Gym.' Who knew a foreigner could come up with such a wacky idea and apparently be quite successful? Wild.
The list goes on...the beauty of all of this, the realization that I'd left it all behind, the stark contrast between me and them as far as how completely laid back they were, the realization that every person at the table had chosen to change their lives in this manner....well, it was quite simply overwhelming. I kept feeling waves of emotion. I got up and walked to a giant boulder nearby and laid down to gaze at the stars and process my feelings. Shortly thereafter, I was joined by one of the men at the table - a wild blue eyed blonde with a gentle nature - named Shane. He silently joined me from a distance and after a few minutes we pointed out constellations to eachother and reveled in the beauty of the night sky. He then got up and rejoined the party. I did the same a few minutes later. The interactions here are that simple. Easy, natural and good.
The next day, as I was swinging on my hammock, I realized that much of my life has been trying to be someone that I am not - trying to force a round peg into a square hole. For instance, as a pre-teen, I played sports - not b/c I liked them - but b/c that's what my friends were doing and I didn't want to miss out. I tried to get into jingle writing and accepted jobs that were secretarial and media trafficking oriented for several years instead of really going for it. I then went to law school b/c I felt like I hadn't had enough respect in life and people didn't think I was smart enough. Where I got this idea is still a mystery. My head. We all know that for me, practicing litigation was always a struggle. It feels like a life long ago now - accounting for every six minutes of my time in order to bill properly; thinking and writing analytically although my thoughts are florid and my writing more romantic than persuasive; rarely interacting face to face with anyone who was happy with their lives, i.e. opposing counsel, other lawyers and clients who had been screwed by the system in one way or another. I was fortunate to be in a law firm with good people who were kind-hearted and were passionate about consumer protection via the law. But, it never quite fit. I am processing this now - it's a lot to take in...all around me are people that have chosen paths that DO fit. Now is my time to do the same. Trust. Love. Surrender.
I met a giant of a man with dark hair and a keen intellect - again - radiant. He has returned to Sanctuary many times to teach a course in yoga with his partner, a stunning woman who is as zen as it gets. Like him, there is something settled and stoic and beautiful about her. This man told me I should take their course at the Sanctuary for one month beginning Feb. 22. He said to give Pyramid a week and then come back if I didn't like it. He said his course is the true course to learn to teach yoga properly. The new age aspects of Pyramid - with the singing, the chanting, the chakra study, the mandala drawing, etc. - although appealing to me seem to him to be superfluous new age stuff that can contribute to a solid base. But, he says, his course is the solid base that I need. When I told him that I signed up as a result of a series of serendipitous events, he said 'maybe that all happened just to get you on the island. Be spontaneous.' I grappled with this. Was this man a message sent by the universe to put me on the right course or was this an amplification of my usual pattern in following someone else's lead and not thinking for myself?
I had my tarot cards read by an exotic happy Spaniard who wore shells and leather on his scantily adorned tanned and toned body. His name is Pau. He reminds me much of another radiant, exotic man named JaJa back in San Francisco. I liked Pau immediately. His eyes shine. As he read my cards I silently asked if I should go with this man or go on my own. After Pau confirmed that I had a question in my mind, he answered 'you know emotionally what you want, you know what you love - the answer is yes - but you first need to develop your creativity and strength and have fun - not just one person is your teacher or your guide - you have the knowledge already within you but you just can't see it. Take your time. Follow your path. Stay open.' I asked out loud if my teacher would come to me. Pau read the cards and answered that my teacher had already come, that my teacher was everywhere - in a bird, in a child, in the ocean, in eachother. He said I am just beginning to open to all of this. I asked if I would heal people. He pulled cards and said that yes, I have already healed and inspired may people - that I stem from a very powerful source, but that I got preoccupied and bogged down and distracted from my path. He asked 'you have really delved into healing yourself about six months ago?' And I responded 'yes.' At about that time, I told my boss and my community that I was quitting my job and doing this course. I said it to everyone to make that affirmation - so I couldn't change my mind. He then explained that the next card showed a woman with a master teacher standing alongside her. She is looking at the balls and holding one in her hand, not looking at the master. He asked what I saw in the card and I said 'she seems selfish and foolish, here is this wise person waiting for her attention to share his wisdom and she's too preoccupied to notice.' Pau responded, 'no, no, don't you see that she is caring about her own needs, tending to her own development before blindly offering up what she has to someone else. This woman is you, she is not selfish, she is cultivating herself, honing her tools. The master stays there. When she is ready, then she can share with him. He reiterated that I am on my path, that it is okay to be on it. There is nothing selfish about it, nothing to feel bad about. Stay open, stay open, stay open. He asked what I saw in the next card and I said a sad woman with an empty cup. He laughed and said to take a closer look: indeed the cup was running over. The woman was a queen, looking lovingly at the cup as it spilled over. He said this is you - you are a powerful woman. Your cup is running over with love and energy and healing. Yet you choose not to see it. This is why you have come here. To open your eyes, to accept your nature, to open. The last card he asked again what I saw - I saw a sorrow filled girl. He lauged again and said this was a thoughtful and conscious princess - she is spreading her seeds of enlightenment all around to so many people. She is directed by the Queen's (my) vitality. He said that this interplay is my future. To open, to be conscious and powerful and healing and loving. But my present, my present is cultivating the tools to open my heart and embrace my true self.
The last day at Sanctuary I got a two hour thai massage from a lady named Mae at Bamboo Hut. Her place was on top of the boulder where I'd star gazed previously. I laid down overlooking the ocean as she twisted and pried me every which way. It felt incredible. She told me I need once a week or a month to get all of the bad energy out of me. She said my yoga practice has moved it all around b/c it's no longer dormant in my body but needs to get out with yoga and massage. She also told me not to think so much. She said it's time now for me to rid myself of the energy that makes me stiff. To stay open...she told me I am beautiful, only growing more beautiful...stay open...
This theme rises up again an again. First, with the breathwork in Oct. 2006, then with a western astrology reading, then with revelations I had taking Rusty Well's yoga courses, then again with a Vedic Astrological reading from Bhagavan Das. I was meant to heal, I am powerful, I am on a course of opening and opening and in doing so, finding my true path. Although the opportunity to build a foundation to truly teach yoga exists today from another person, I trust that my path has lead me to Pyramid Yoga Center. This is what I want to do. I stay open to taking the foundation course at some other point - perhaps in Sept. My true teacher, my self, says that Pyramid right now is the way. I like trusting that. It feels good.
I arrived at Pyramid Yoga Center yesterday. The bungalow I settled into (after one swap) has a lovely view of the Gulf of Thailand and an outdoor shower with a little zen garden slightly detached and walled off from the bathroom. I take solace knowing that the scorpions prefer rocks to wood floors, so there's little chance they'll climb up to my bungalow. I take further solace knowing that the endemic cobras don't like the smell of humans so there's little chance they'll decide to reside alongside my bed. Nice little rhyme there. Otherwise no other scary creepy crawlies to be cocerned with.
As for the center, there is a giant pyramid of mosquito net walls and a sprawling hardwood floor. It is sooooo peaceful. Doing yoga here twice a day for three months is a blessing. I went into the sound dome that is filled with pillows, instruments and mandalas. I sang a bit to Ganesha and it sounded delightful. I think I'm really going to like it here. The people could not be better. I was concerned they'd be too young and too new agey - and indeed they have alternative professions, but again they are open and nice- not closed off and spacey. Two women are MS energy healers from Bermuda (although one is originally from Scotland so has the lovely brogue I love so much from my days at Stirling Univ.), one couple is from Cyprus (the Greek side) - he is a masseus. One lady came from South Africa with her two year old son - her hubby is staying for one month. There are several Canadians involved in the fitness world and looking to bring some Eastern philosophy into their practices. There is a young man from Ireland who has been roaming the world for three years and is trying to figure out what to do next. There's a man who is 39 (older than me - yahoo! I'm not the oldest!) who is a neuro sound healer. There are a couple of brits - one a funny journalist who reminds me of my old pal Jodi although no one can compare of course. All in all, there are lots of exchanges of interesting energy work to be done. The people I've met are true to their course and very grounded in their alterative professions. Again, this is an example of a community of people who have followed their hearts in their life's work.
As I write this today, I am very grateful for this ongoing lesson and opening and exposure and journeying. At times, I just can't believe it. I hear a voice in my head saying "This can't be real, this isn't for you," and then I simply notice that voice pass by as I take in what is around me always remaining open and open and open and open...
The course begins tomorrow. The journey continues...
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