Contours of Confluence

I woke to the rain dribbling down the windowpane and swapped places in bed with my boyfriend so that I could stare out of the window from bed and contemplate the new day. Today is January 18, 2010 - almost two years after I left this city for a grand journey on January 23, 2008. Like the rain on the windowpane, options have come, options I've touched, relished, rejected, then the options were gone. Many more dribbling all around me. Yet, at this point, I'm not sure which one to go for. Instead, I might rather lie in bed and contemplate whether depth applies to any option. What, really, is the point of riding an option? Money? Health? Welfare? Identity? Contribution? Success? Meaning? I feel fortunate to have somehow managed my affairs in such a manner that I could dribble my way through jobs and opportunities - with the end result rather like that of a carousel - a circle of multi-colored, adorned creatures, free for the taking if they're available, and as you ride each creature, you appreciate its contours and unique style, angle your body and posture just so, so that the ride is as smooth as possible, look outside from your vantage point and appreciate the view, try not to get annoyed at the obstacles, and hold on while the journey takes you somewhere around and around - yet the ride is short lived, kindof pointless, the ride stops, you get off and if you choose to do it again, you're kindof obligated to change creatures. Although a job should be much more stable (in the American culture), my career has been more like a carousel.

It's funny. The job is a defining feature in our culture. I still see people that I haven't seen for a couple of years and the first thing they reply with when I ask them about their lives is a job update. I've found that I do the same.

Yet, today, I'm at a different point. I don't have a job and I'm not too concerned about it. Am I lazy? Or is this liberation from routine that is helping me to realize, yet again, that there are choices out there. There is an option to experience out there. It's all around us all the time. When one is trapped inside a building all day long, there's no air. Just thought. The mind's disease of thinking too much is precisely what I learned to shuck in my travels. The journey of combining those two extremes....now THAT is precisely the place I'm in...the contours of east and west. A pause for reflection in the midst of extremes.

I believe that it is possible to manifest our destiny. I just returned from Tanya and Tristan's wedding in Costa Rica. She went to the top of a waterfall (Nuyacca Falls) in Costa Rica and meditated on her ideal man. She wrote it in a journal and offered it up to Spirit. On her way down the waterfall, she stopped into a famous meditation cave, and there he was! Tristan - the man of her dreams. On their way down the waterfall to (surprise) the same finca in which to spend the night, two butterflies/mariposas flitted alongside them, interweaving hearts and grace and love all along the path. One year later, they returned to those falls and he proposed. We returned to those falls as part of their wedding extravaganza. And it was beautiful.

So, I've asked the universe for things and the universe has been very accomodating:

Interior design: an acquaintance asked me to move in and decorate the entire house. I painted it. He liked the colors and then he hesitated re. money and whether we could get better rates if a professional interior designer (with whom he wanted to have sex) helped out. She flaked. He wasn't sure if he wanted to spend money on furniture and then decided not to. All the while, he was an absentee client and I wasn't sure whether my color choices were what he wanted. I enjoyed the experience of working with color and what frustrated at the inability to complete the task. But, no matter. I got a taste. I liked that.

I questoned what it would be like to edit. My ayurvedic teacher gave me a book, and I read it, but her style was such that I couldn't edit it. It was flowing and beautiful - the direct transmission of spirit, and so I had no changes to make (except some spelling and grammatical errors).

I questioned Ayurveda. The ayurvedic school took me in, but once Pratichi ji was not the main teacher, I lost interest in the minutia. I found it was HER that really appealed to me - her essence. I only finished one half of the curriculum. They are restarting the program now and I haven't joined because I feel too flumoxxed about the course in my life and economics. I don't want to commit to two nights a week, plus two weekends per month. Too much commitment.

I questioned working the festival circuit and having fun. I met a man and sold goods at a booth at festivals. Nice, but low pay. But fun. I met the security people at these festivals and considered applying -travelling and having fun, but somehow don't see myself doing that.

I've considered teaching yoga. I have and people are asking about privates. As always, once I get a space, I can settle. I can teach. I can make a schedule.

I questioned litigation. I got a part time job in litigation and I was terrible at it! I hated it. No human interraction. All very heady and quite over my head, in fact. It was impossible to concentrate and every morning I would wake up with dread. I was relieved when we jointly agreed this was not a good fit.

I question policy and politics. I've applied for a job as a Legislative Aide.

I question teaching English or general subbing. I've passed the CBEST, need to get finger printed and need to network.

There are just so many choices and I have so many talents, but I don't know what to do. The universe has been overwhelmingly gracious with opportunities. Things I've sampled, touched, licked, then left because they simply don't resonate with me. That's it, the key, the ticket: RESONANCE. I hereby trust and surrender to the flow to expose my vibrations, my true vibrations to the universe so that I may recognize a resonance, follow that trail and create abundance and love and joy. Something sweet. Something creative. Something joyful.

I've questioned love. Would you believe that I have found love? In a friend who I though was gay for a long time, but loved as a person for a long time. For years, his love for me burned bright as he waited for me to come around to him. After 1.5 years, I did. He, too, returned from a long trip of exploration back to his legal job in San Francisco, back to spinning fire and burning man, back to playing guitar and writing songs and living in a sexual intention community where he learned about clitoral stimulation and communication. This man, this unique and vibrant fellow - well, when he returned to the US, I found him masculine, not seemingly gay and after several months, we kissed, then more and he was incredible. Incredible. But polyamorous. I didn't want to change him, but after a while, my feelings grew too strong and I had to let him go. But, I couldn't. Somehow, he made the choice to be solely with me. We went to Costa Rica for three weeks together. We're looking at a place to live together. There is fear, yet comfort, in all of this.

I have questioned writing. I haven't edited this blog b/c I'm waiting for a climax. Is he my climax? Love right in front of you and you're so busy that you think it's gay? Is it the same thing with my resonance in life?

I would like to invite someone into my life to help me navigate through the creatures on this carousel. I'd like clarity, and yes it's in my body, but outside where is it? I'm not sure. I admit that I'm not sure how to do this.

This is a jumbled, honest blog entry. Unique and colorful. Like me. A blessed confluence of contours reflecting and glimmering and inspiring and limiting - just like the dome in Percy Shelley's Adonis. Life. Full. Rich. Amazing. Kinda like the world I saw in Avatar last night. Wow.