Testing Faith

When we are in a negative frame of mind, it is only natural to doubt rather than to believe. From a Buddhist point of view, doubt is a sign of a lack of complete understanding and a lack of spiritual education, but is also seen as a catalyst in the maturing of faith. It is when we face doubts and difficulties that we discover whether our faith is a simplistic, pious, and conceptual one, or whether it is strong, enduring and anchored in a deep understanding in the heart.If you have faith, sooner or later it may well be put to the test, and wherever the challenge may come from – from within you or from outside – it is simply part of the process of faith and doubt.‘Glimpse After Glimpse, Daily Reflections on Living and Dying’ – Sogyal Rinpoche, entry for May 24.

I am living this quote and it is testing my ability to be calm, grateful and understanding. I left my life in SF in large part to learn yoga. After learning about many aspects of yoga at Pyramid, including meditation, breathing and self-reflection, I moved to this beach to teach yoga. I was also happy to learn the Ashtanga series with a great teacher named Luiz from Brazil. Six days a week, I’d wake up at 8, walk over the ridge to the next bay for his Ashtanga class, then return across the ridge to teach my class at 10:30. I could feel my body strengthening as I focused more on my asana (physical) practice. It was perfect! I was also having a great time with the buggy blue-green eyed fellow and therefore not reading or meditating or taking much time for self reflection. I fell a bit off of my spiritual path, but the physical aspects of yoga were rock solid. Then, the accident happened: my back was out and there was a deep hole in my elbow that manifested into a full-fledged infection all the way down to my fingers. The result: no more physical yoga – I can’t straighten my arm or put much weight on it. I’m on the beach in a beautiful bungalow overlooking the water and the sun is strong and I love the rainstorms. Guess what? No swimming allowed due to very, very bacteria-filled water, no direct sunlight allowed (due to antibiotics for infection), no walking in rainstorms b/c I can’t get the wound wet. After much frustration with the inability to do physical yoga, I decided I’d go on a juice, clay shake, syllium and spirilina cleanse for six days and do a colonic every other day. I went to Sanctuary to arrange the details, get the vitamins, etc. and she took one look at my bandaged elbow, asked if I was on antibiotics and said “you have to wait until you’re finished.” I went straight to my favorite restaurant and had a chocolate coconut muffin! You might say that at least I’m in a calm, paradisal place to meditate and reflect. It’s true at times. However, the beach is invaded by over 120 Canadian kids who are between the ages of 18-22 and they are partying all the time. They go to restaurants and bars on this beach in giant swarms and the owners respond by blasting music until the wee hous of the morning with an instant party. The fiberglass and longtail boats are constantly coming and going out of this bay with their engines so loud that at times I can’t have a conversation with someone until they’ve gone. I live on the side of a giant bowl of water with a hill, so EVERYTHING that happens on the water, on the beach, in the clubs, in the bungalows is amplified and comes straight into my wide open bungalow. So, suddenly the energy and the sounds have changed in my little paradisal oasis. I witness the darker side of things and notice what my judgments are, as well as my reactions. This bay has a way of amplifying the best and worst in people. This morning at 7, the couple in the bungalow next to me got into a one-hour long brawl with slamming doors, thrown things, screaming profanities and actually hitting and kicking one another. It was awful to witness. I went down to the manager after it didn’t subside and he was already on his way up. They leave tomorrow. Now they are quiet. I keep wondering why one of them doesn’t just leave the bungalow. Instead they both sit there in and out of fighting. Why? I don’t understand this. I wish I knew how to counsel them. The beach IS still absolutely beautiful and there are times of quiet reflection. This is life, I suppose. The good with the bad. I would move to the other beach, but I’ve prepaid through June 3 and can’t get my money back. So, here I’ll stay and I’ll witness it all. There’s a piece of me in everything that I witness. In my teens and 20s, I was certainly just as bad as these Canadians partying on the beach, but not prone to violence – but I did stay in unhealthy relationships and left good ones. So here I sit seeing myself as somewhere in between all of this. The yoga continues.On my birthday, a friend did a Mayan astrological reading for me and told me I would be learning a lot through my mistakes. It seems that I’m in it now. And the challenge for me is how to still find my peace and not become completely despondent about these newly imposed parameters and surrounding issues. It is a challenge. And I welcome it. These doubts came up like crazy and then I counter the doubts with optimism and I hope reality:1. Am I too neurotic to be cleaning my bungalow in the pouring rain? I love the rain and yes, I’m slightly neurotic about cleaning. So what?2. Did I veer off this spiritual path by focusing solely on the physical aspects of yoga and that’s why they’re taken away from me for a bit? This accident was a gift to slow me down, have me read more, reflect more and write more. I haven’t done much meditation, but when I do, it feels incredibly grounding. This is part of my spiritual path – the quote above explains exactly how that is.3. Why oh why did I pay for advance for this bungalow!? The bungalow is beautiful. It has many beautiful moments and even with all the noise, the views are stunning of the moon, the water, the beach, the trees and the sunrise. I’m so lucky to be here.4. Was I so horrible as these crazy kids while partying it up? Or worse? My partying days were on par, if not worse than these kids’ and this is something that I’ve been looking at and going to the source as to why I chose to spend so much of my time like this in the past. Escapism. Now, it’s time to really look within, to live, to feel. No more numbness. A gift again.5. Why can’t I swim or sunbathe when that’s exactly where I am?I can be a crybaby and feel sorry for myself, or I can wade in the water and squat if I keep my elbow on my head. I just had to compromise. I take direct sunlight every other day – another compromise – too much sun is not healthy – I need to take care of my skin.6. Why can’t I do yoga when that’s PRECISELY what I ‘left my life’ to study? I CAN do yoga – I can do all postures, but arm balances and even though many of them are out of alignment due to a crooked elbow, I can still do it. And this entire course of experience IS yoga! My travels will continue to be yoga if I keep the right frame of mind and observe and act from my heart rather than reacting through emotions and habits. I am learning through all of this. Experiencing and witnessing my emotions, reactions, questions and assumptions. Feeling varying levels of compassion. I have an amazing gift of tons and tons and tons of time to process all of this. Wow. 7. Should I have not gotten even mildly involved with a man and had fun when I was specifically told by Bhagavan Das in a Vedic Astrological reading in San Francisco that my sensuality would be my greatest obstacle and it would keep me from adhering to the spiritual precepts of yoga? And when he left the day after the accident for a two-week tour with friends visiting from Denmark, I went through the whole gamut of emotions re. former boyfriends, attachment, self-worth, attractiveness, fickleness, over-romanticizing, etc.Answer: wow again for meeting such a fun man. We played beach volleyball, swam, ate delicious food together, talked and laughed about many things, he played guitar and sang and I sang and made up songs, we drummed side by side at a drumming circle, we went exploring through the jungle, we went through my wardrobe and assessed which outfits were keepers and which were not, we did yoga with Luiz together and he photographed and kindof did my yoga class and we had a lovely romance that was just plain FUN. There is nothing wrong with that. Yes, I chose to spend time having fun rather than adhere to my spiritual path. I am not an ardent seeker, yet. There is a balance and I am living it. As far as the emotions that came up when he left, that is another gift with which to assess who I am in relating to men, what I want from him, and why? Again, experiencing and witnessing my emotions and reactions and learning so much from just taking the time to process it all. Another gift. 8. WHY??????!!!??? is this happening like this? Why does anything happen the way it does? I took the first steps to be here. All of this has been a necessary journey. Perhaps this happened so I would slow down and do the self observation that I was reluctant to do in the course and have been since. The mind is a funny thing. I thought I had experienced kundalini awakening and a calm, meditative mind – and I have, at times. But to really go forward on this journey, I need to KNOW myself. Really know myself. Nothing like a swift hit to the back and a hole in the elbow to do just that! 9. Am I too scared to go to India on my own? India is much more difficult than this paradise. I’m being prepared to have courage and positivity and perspective and groundedness no matter the circumstances. This is the perfect precursor for my Indian visit. I am embracing my fears and courage naturally results. This is just what I need for India and the rest of my life. I have a ticket to Kathmandu on June 5. I’ll start there and work my way to Northern India. I feel exhilarated at the prospects and have no idea what to expect. I am hoping that my hole will be healed by then. We’ll see.