Blessed Pain

I sit in the kitchen of my new home listening to Snautaum Kaur. There are two cats leaping and landing in my lap and purring as I pet them and simultaneously attempt to swivel my nostrils away from the invisible dander that tickles my nose. I have landed. I'm in Berkeley (well, just outside of Berkeley) and all of my life lies before my like a carpet unfurled for a walk through the doorway of the next chapter of life. As Rusty Wells says, 'how blessed we are.' And that may not always be a smooth and effortless transition. In fact, it hasn't been. Confluences aren't always subtle (think of tectonic plates shifting in earthquakes), yet it's the natural, effortless way to carry on - each day, each tremble, each shift, each movement - fight it or ride it, that's what I've learned. Have you surfed lately?
I'm learning from ayurveda that the whole of life is composed of aspects of which we westerners have given little thought. While we try and control and organize and structure our lives, we ignore the very fabric of existence re. elements and flow and balance and wholeness. So, here, again, I listen and learn of these teachings. I acutely feel in my body how the pitta seethes with action and "must have now!" and the vata can't make it's mind up. It's only when I consciously STOP, take a breath, and THEN react, that I realize the kapha is increasing - it's steady, thoughtful appoach levels it all and balance can be restored. But, how many close calls must one make to finally realize that attention and grace are all that are needed to surrender and live sweetly?
One of my best friends from the age of 17 turned Kaliesque on me and raged at me "have you ever noticed that all of your friends walk on eggshells around you!?". She informed me in no uncertain terms that I am selfish and don't EVER put myself into the shoes of others. I initially wanted to run away - to leave this demoness, yet realized she was correct. So, I stayed. And I listened. And then I realized that I simply can't understand the ways of others. It's very, very, very hard for me to think of them when I'm dead set on my own agenda (which is regularly). "You have no idea how powerful you are!," she bellared. And I suddenly had 100 flashes of the way people respond to me - with humility, gratitude, appreciation and oftentimes relief. And then I remembered the 100 other times where people responded with pride, disgust, defensiveness and shrinking to me. As much as I didn't want to be that woman/monster at that time, I listened to my friend as she raged in truth and I heard her. She was right. To swallow that pill was a tough one, but a necessary one.
Since then, I've unnaturally placed myself in the shoes of my friends as often as possible. It is a practice that is unnatural for the way that I have learned, but it's necessary. So, I ask all of you: have you placed yourself in the shoes of others? It's a beautiful way to connect with others, to humble oneself and to relate to the connectedness of life. I invite you to look, really look at the way you interact with others...are you alone? Or do you practice compassion? The path in which I choose to continue on this life is through compassion. It's not natural NOW, but I am trying. And I am succeeding. Life is much, much sweeter this way.
A man from my past emerged and summoned me to him. He said "you were the one that got away" and apologized. I automatically went to a place of romantic revisionist history. Is he "the one?" Has he changed enough to finally appease me? And what do you know? I EXPECTED him to do exactly what I wanted...to ask me out, to show himself and to stand in all of his Shiva glory before me and say "feed me, Shakti!"....but you know that didn't happen. Men in the Bay Area don't "happen" that way. So, I shriveled, I retreated, and I felt very, very sad...for two minutes. Then, I realized this was my same instant replay feature. That feature didn't work in past relationships, just as my not thinking of others didn't work for my friends....so what?
It's time to practice compassion and time to practice measured awareness. My thoughts, as fiery and strong as they are, are NOT reality. My desires, wishes and demands are fierce as ever, but useless without the feminine aspect of love and understanding. So, what is missing must be cultivated b/c it IS natural. Women are the compassionate between the sexes. Softness is within us, certainly within me, and this is a beautiful quality to relish, live and celebrate. In shirking my prior life as a masculine litigator and choosing to practice yoga daily and to teach those that are seeking, I am becoming softer and softer and more open and loving. Yet, the path is not always clear as it's tangled with my breeding, my experince and my habits. So, I stumble, I offend, I learn and I (hopefully) make it right...
How blessed we are, indeed...