When we are in a negative frame of mind, it is only natural to doubt rather than to believe. From a Buddhist point of view, doubt is a sign of a lack of complete understanding and a lack of spiritual education, but is also seen as a catalyst in the maturing of faith. It is when we face doubts and difficulties that we discover whether our faith is a simplistic, pious, and conceptual one, or whether it is strong, enduring and anchored in a deep understanding in the heart.If you have faith, sooner or later it may well be put to the test, and wherever the challenge may come from – from within you or from outside – it is simply part of the process of faith and doubt.‘Glimpse After Glimpse, Daily Reflections on Living and Dying’ – Sogyal Rinpoche, entry for May 24.
I am living this quote and it is testing my ability to be calm, grateful and understanding. I left my life in SF in large part to learn yoga. After learning about many aspects of yoga at Pyramid, including meditation, breathing and self-reflection, I moved to this beach to teach yoga. I was also happy to learn the Ashtanga series with a great teacher named Luiz from Brazil. Six days a week, I’d wake up at 8, walk over the ridge to the next bay for his Ashtanga class, then return across the ridge to teach my class at 10:30. I could feel my body strengthening as I focused more on my asana (physical) practice. It was perfect! I was also having a great time with the buggy blue-green eyed fellow and therefore not reading or meditating or taking much time for self reflection. I fell a bit off of my spiritual path, but the physical aspects of yoga were rock solid. Then, the accident happened: my back was out and there was a deep hole in my elbow that manifested into a full-fledged infection all the way down to my fingers. The result: no more physical yoga – I can’t straighten my arm or put much weight on it. I’m on the beach in a beautiful bungalow overlooking the water and the sun is strong and I love the rainstorms. Guess what? No swimming allowed due to very, very bacteria-filled water, no direct sunlight allowed (due to antibiotics for infection), no walking in rainstorms b/c I can’t get the wound wet. After much frustration with the inability to do physical yoga, I decided I’d go on a juice, clay shake, syllium and spirilina cleanse for six days and do a colonic every other day. I went to Sanctuary to arrange the details, get the vitamins, etc. and she took one look at my bandaged elbow, asked if I was on antibiotics and said “you have to wait until you’re finished.” I went straight to my favorite restaurant and had a chocolate coconut muffin! You might say that at least I’m in a calm, paradisal place to meditate and reflect. It’s true at times. However, the beach is invaded by over 120 Canadian kids who are between the ages of 18-22 and they are partying all the time. They go to restaurants and bars on this beach in giant swarms and the owners respond by blasting music until the wee hous of the morning with an instant party. The fiberglass and longtail boats are constantly coming and going out of this bay with their engines so loud that at times I can’t have a conversation with someone until they’ve gone. I live on the side of a giant bowl of water with a hill, so EVERYTHING that happens on the water, on the beach, in the clubs, in the bungalows is amplified and comes straight into my wide open bungalow. So, suddenly the energy and the sounds have changed in my little paradisal oasis. I witness the darker side of things and notice what my judgments are, as well as my reactions. This bay has a way of amplifying the best and worst in people. This morning at 7, the couple in the bungalow next to me got into a one-hour long brawl with slamming doors, thrown things, screaming profanities and actually hitting and kicking one another. It was awful to witness. I went down to the manager after it didn’t subside and he was already on his way up. They leave tomorrow. Now they are quiet. I keep wondering why one of them doesn’t just leave the bungalow. Instead they both sit there in and out of fighting. Why? I don’t understand this. I wish I knew how to counsel them. The beach IS still absolutely beautiful and there are times of quiet reflection. This is life, I suppose. The good with the bad. I would move to the other beach, but I’ve prepaid through June 3 and can’t get my money back. So, here I’ll stay and I’ll witness it all. There’s a piece of me in everything that I witness. In my teens and 20s, I was certainly just as bad as these Canadians partying on the beach, but not prone to violence – but I did stay in unhealthy relationships and left good ones. So here I sit seeing myself as somewhere in between all of this. The yoga continues.On my birthday, a friend did a Mayan astrological reading for me and told me I would be learning a lot through my mistakes. It seems that I’m in it now. And the challenge for me is how to still find my peace and not become completely despondent about these newly imposed parameters and surrounding issues. It is a challenge. And I welcome it. These doubts came up like crazy and then I counter the doubts with optimism and I hope reality:1. Am I too neurotic to be cleaning my bungalow in the pouring rain? I love the rain and yes, I’m slightly neurotic about cleaning. So what?2. Did I veer off this spiritual path by focusing solely on the physical aspects of yoga and that’s why they’re taken away from me for a bit? This accident was a gift to slow me down, have me read more, reflect more and write more. I haven’t done much meditation, but when I do, it feels incredibly grounding. This is part of my spiritual path – the quote above explains exactly how that is.3. Why oh why did I pay for advance for this bungalow!? The bungalow is beautiful. It has many beautiful moments and even with all the noise, the views are stunning of the moon, the water, the beach, the trees and the sunrise. I’m so lucky to be here.4. Was I so horrible as these crazy kids while partying it up? Or worse? My partying days were on par, if not worse than these kids’ and this is something that I’ve been looking at and going to the source as to why I chose to spend so much of my time like this in the past. Escapism. Now, it’s time to really look within, to live, to feel. No more numbness. A gift again.5. Why can’t I swim or sunbathe when that’s exactly where I am?I can be a crybaby and feel sorry for myself, or I can wade in the water and squat if I keep my elbow on my head. I just had to compromise. I take direct sunlight every other day – another compromise – too much sun is not healthy – I need to take care of my skin.6. Why can’t I do yoga when that’s PRECISELY what I ‘left my life’ to study? I CAN do yoga – I can do all postures, but arm balances and even though many of them are out of alignment due to a crooked elbow, I can still do it. And this entire course of experience IS yoga! My travels will continue to be yoga if I keep the right frame of mind and observe and act from my heart rather than reacting through emotions and habits. I am learning through all of this. Experiencing and witnessing my emotions, reactions, questions and assumptions. Feeling varying levels of compassion. I have an amazing gift of tons and tons and tons of time to process all of this. Wow. 7. Should I have not gotten even mildly involved with a man and had fun when I was specifically told by Bhagavan Das in a Vedic Astrological reading in San Francisco that my sensuality would be my greatest obstacle and it would keep me from adhering to the spiritual precepts of yoga? And when he left the day after the accident for a two-week tour with friends visiting from Denmark, I went through the whole gamut of emotions re. former boyfriends, attachment, self-worth, attractiveness, fickleness, over-romanticizing, etc.Answer: wow again for meeting such a fun man. We played beach volleyball, swam, ate delicious food together, talked and laughed about many things, he played guitar and sang and I sang and made up songs, we drummed side by side at a drumming circle, we went exploring through the jungle, we went through my wardrobe and assessed which outfits were keepers and which were not, we did yoga with Luiz together and he photographed and kindof did my yoga class and we had a lovely romance that was just plain FUN. There is nothing wrong with that. Yes, I chose to spend time having fun rather than adhere to my spiritual path. I am not an ardent seeker, yet. There is a balance and I am living it. As far as the emotions that came up when he left, that is another gift with which to assess who I am in relating to men, what I want from him, and why? Again, experiencing and witnessing my emotions and reactions and learning so much from just taking the time to process it all. Another gift. 8. WHY??????!!!??? is this happening like this? Why does anything happen the way it does? I took the first steps to be here. All of this has been a necessary journey. Perhaps this happened so I would slow down and do the self observation that I was reluctant to do in the course and have been since. The mind is a funny thing. I thought I had experienced kundalini awakening and a calm, meditative mind – and I have, at times. But to really go forward on this journey, I need to KNOW myself. Really know myself. Nothing like a swift hit to the back and a hole in the elbow to do just that! 9. Am I too scared to go to India on my own? India is much more difficult than this paradise. I’m being prepared to have courage and positivity and perspective and groundedness no matter the circumstances. This is the perfect precursor for my Indian visit. I am embracing my fears and courage naturally results. This is just what I need for India and the rest of my life. I have a ticket to Kathmandu on June 5. I’ll start there and work my way to Northern India. I feel exhilarated at the prospects and have no idea what to expect. I am hoping that my hole will be healed by then. We’ll see.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Crossing the Abyss
Today’s quote says it all: “What can we gain by sailing to the moon if we are not able to cross the abyss that separates us from ourselves? This is the most important of all voyages of discovery, and without it, all the rest are not only useless, but disastrous.” – Thomas Merton
And so the journey continues. I have sailed to this paradise and am in the process of deepening my knowledge of self. I have experienced so much before and after this journey that make it all worthwhile and it’s just getting better. Here’s how it happened:
Sept. 2006 – I take a sort of couples and relationship course with my ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years even though we’ve been broken up for nine months. I hope that maybe he’ll change as a result of this course and we may end up back together. I realize in the course that I am very difficult in relationship and my general outlook on life is very limited and restricted to a need to control everything and everyone in relationship. Not attractive. The ex doesn’t change and in fact tells me after the course has started that he loves another woman, but still physically desires me. He proposes to make me his secret mistress on the side while he continues a relationship with this woman. This was very painful and I felt as despondent as ever about my ability to choose men or relate to them in a healthy manner in relationship. I start life coaching sessions with the leaders of this course and continue to look at why my life is so painful and lonely.
Oct. 2006 – I go to the Spiral Muse’s ‘Waking Women Retreat’ in the Santa Cruz mountains with some girlfriends. This is the first time I’ve done anything truly new-agey (attendance at health and healing festivals, etc. excepted). During a holotropic breathwork session, I clear sadness from my belly and rage from my throat, then feel white gold light go from the crown of my head to my navel and I laugh and feel beautiful and free and happy. I have flashes/dreams/visions that clarify several things: I will not be a litigator much longer, I will leave SF and go abroad, the ex was not the man for me, I need to learn about yoga and the chakras, I will experience complete contentment in a place that looks a lot like Thailand, and there is a man out there with buggy blue eyes in his late 40s with laugh lines and a tan – I think he’s a humanitarian aid worker – and this man is going to be the love of my life. He’s out there.
After the breathwork, I sat across from a lovely lady named Skylark and we shared our experiences. She said “I have just the place for you” and told me all about Pyramid Yoga. I applied immediately, but the course was full and Marina suggested I first try yoga anyway to see if I wanted to do this course for three months. Good point. I sign up for a year membership at Yoga Tree shortly thereafter and start doing yoga regularly. I also attend the Yoga Journal Conference for four days and am introduced to the eight limbs of yoga. I’m fascinated.
NYE 2007 – I go to Mount Madonna Center in Watsonville for a New Year’s Eve four day retreat. I go there b/c I have no one to kiss for NYE and am uninspired by the idea of being around drunk people or dancing costumed people, etc. My life coach Alicia Bayer recommended Mount Madonna to me as an option for peace and reflection for the New Year. This is the second “new-agey” thing that I’ve done, but the first where it is fully immersed in the aspects of yoga. There is a guru there who has been silent for 50 years – Baba Hari Dass a/k/a Baba Ji. For four days we do yogic cleansing processes (pouring water from a netti/flower pot through the nostrils, place a string through your nostril and extracting it our of your mouth (I chose not to master this one), study the Bhagavad Gita (although I would never ask a question of Baba Ji and I leave b/c the silent monk takes forever to answer questions as they need to be written down and then verbalized by another), meditation (I can’t quiet my mind and am uncomfortable sitting alone in silence for so long, singing and chanting (I am skeptical the entire time b/c it’s in Sanskrit and I don’t know what everyone is chanting - “is this a cult?”), eat vegetarian ayuverdic meals (good!), do some yoga asanas (they are very slow compared to SF vinyasa classes and I grow impatient) and sit in the presence of the silent monk while eating the meals (I am again skeptical as everyone sits to face him and I feel like I’m in a cult.)
I was surprised at how sophisticated and clean all these “hippies” were. The buildings and entire center are state of the art and no one smells like patchouli or has dread locks and hemp clothing. I was equally surprised at the age range – 3 to 97 from the looks of it. Entire families either living there or present for the NYE retreat.
On NYE, I watch a very funny play written by Baba Ji that pokes fun at westerners in India trying to reach Samadhi (spiritual enlightenment) by adopting the life of a saddhu (spiritual being who lives on alms). I decide not to participate in the following chanting and meditation b/c it’s just too hippy for me and I’m tired. I’m in bed by 10 p.m. I wake up at 11:11 and think I should walk back down, but ignore the message and go back to sleep.
On the morning of January 1, I walked into the main hall and the people are chanting a prayer for peace (in Sanskrit) 108 times. I’m bored. I walk outside and look at a wall of photographs of community members who have died. One man stands out b/c he’s young and vibrant. I read his biography and he was a beautiful person who gave to his community, was creative and deeply studying spirituality. He died in his 30s. I almost start crying. I go back to the hall and then I DO start crying. I feel completely isolated and although I can clearly see the bliss of all the people around me, I feel completely isolated and closed off. I can’t stop crying. I go to the bathroom, but the tears keep coming. Something inside my head tells me to just go sit in the hall and let the tears flow. I do. They flow and flow and flow from a sadness deeper than one I have ever had – it’s not bad, just completely and totally alone and very, very, very sad. I keep crying in silence and am conscious of all the people around me, but cry anyway.
After they are done chanting, a woman reaches over to me and whispers “Ask Baba a question.” I move in to the center of the room – about five people away from him – and my tears stop. I raise my hand. He looks at me and the tears start as I open my mouth. “I feel so sad right now. I’ve never felt more sad in my life and I feel very alone. It’s not bad, just very, very deep. I’ve been here for several days and heard the teachings and seen the practices, but none of this seems enough to cure my sadness, but everyone around me is blissful and I can see it, but I can’t feel it. Is everything we’ve looked at the way they got there? Is that it?” And everyone laughed. He smiled. What was written and verbalized was this: “Saddness is a sadhna. It’s the necessary first step for any spiritual journey. When you feel sadness, you are of a uni-focused mind as opposed to the usual multi-focused mind. At this point, you can either lose your mind to the pain and not know where to go or what to do, etc. OR you can merge with the pain, keep a strong mind and your path will naturally unfurl. You have a choice.”
I was relieved to know that my deep sadness was the first step to feeling better if I chose. So, although I didn’t know what he meant by a strong mind or how to merge with the pain, I decided that I would open up to a spiritual journey b/c my prior life was just really, really sad and lonely. As soon as I decided that I would take this path, Baba Ji looked directly at me and I’m not kidding, I felt a transfusion of solid white gold light emanate from his third eye directly to mine and that light washed through my center and then held my sadness in my stomach like a lotus flower on a luminous gentle pool of light. Suddenly, I felt connected to that bliss for the first time – I knew I could feel it, too. The pain was still there, but it was nurtured, held. I guess merged. The rest has truly unfurled.
I take regular yoga classes with Rusty Wells and Janet Stone in San Francisco. They start and end every class with chanting and it’s beautiful and fun and challenging. They always provide a piece of wisdom in their classes and I always feel elevated when I leave. I love this. In March 2007, they have a six-day yoga retreat in Isla Mujeres, Mexico. Beginners are allowed, so I go even though I’m completely intimidated. Sure enough, I’m the most novice yogini, but I do my first backbend in Rusty’s class on day 5 and it’s thrilling! After one of Rusty’s classes, it is twilight and we’ve just finished an invigorating class, sang and did a continuous om. I feel ripples of energy undulating from the universe through me and I can feel the same sweet rippling energy from the person on the mat next to me and I know that everyone in the palapa is feeling the same. I just feel it. We are all uncharacteristically silent and no one moves to pack up and leave class. We sit there and are completely blessed out as nothing less that the connectedness of the Universe undulates through us. This was the third time that I’d felt such a light, happy connection with the universe. First was holotropic breathwork. Second was with Baba Ji. But this time, it was a vibrating, rippling presence and it felt amazing!! I later learned that these are experiences of kundalini energy unleashing in my body. But not until much later did I learn this.
April 2007: I go to Costa Rica surf camp with my sister Stacy. I learn to get over my fears of the ocean waves and surf with the waves. She can’t wait to go home to be with husband and pets. I can stay for a long time b/c I have nothing or no one waiting for me in my beautiful penthouse suite. My loneliness is evident again. I go home and have a breast cancer scare. It ends up being a benign fibroedydema (sp?), but during the two-week process, I look at my life and really ask if I am satisfied with the way I live my life. I am not. The only thing I truly love about each day is going to yoga. I feel like being a lawyer is an out-of-body experience and sooner or later I’m going to be found out as a fraud. Every time my boss calls to me, I question whether he’ll fire me. I do this even though I know objectively that I’m a great attorney and my work is good. I’ve lost only two motions in five years. Yet, the unsettled aspects of forcing my round self into a square peg remains for years. It just isn’t right. I decide that I will leave my job and travel if I get accepted to Pyramid’s course.
May 2007: I am accepted to Pyramid Yoga. I decide that I will surrender to the universe and see what unfurls. Shortly thereafter, my boss stars giving me regular flack about financial hardships and wants to change my six figure income to a commission only status. I tell him that I’m leaving the firm in January anyway. I stay paid as usual. I’m surprised to hear him say that he envys me and thinks it’s great. I’m more surprised when everyone I know says virtually the same thing. I get a sailing certificate and almost complete a TESOL program, just in case I want to crew sailboats or teach English while abroad. I start reading about working your way around the world, round the world tickets, looking at all of the places and weather, etc. about all the places in the world I might want to go. It is overwhelming. I don’t decide much except to go to Pyramid and I buy a ticket from Bangkok to Kathmandu for June 5 and a ticket from Bombay to Bangkok then on to LA on Dec. 1 and 2. I can change the return date to no later than January 22 as it’s good for one year and I depart 1/23 at 4:00 p.m. 1,2,3,4…take off!
Dec. 2007 – it is the last deposition that I will be involved with. My client is two hours late and I am chatting with defense counsel to avoid him filing for sanctions against us. This is a man who I have regularly worked with over the years and would continue to do so if I stayed. There are the usual dealer attorneys and manufacturer attorneys and bank attorneys – this one is a dealer attorney. They all play very similar, very frustrating games on the litigation front. He suggests that he may file for sanctions. I ignore the comment and ask him if he likes practicing. He says he loves it, especially the gorey cases where men are impaled on rebar after a 30 flight fall on a construction site. He says some people were born to be defense counsel and other’s plaintiffs’ counsel. I ask for clarification. “You know howep at the beach one kid is building a sand castle? That’s plaintiffs’ counsel.” Then he beams, “You know how another kid comes along and kicks down the castle for no reason? That’s defense counsel…and I get paid to do that for a living!” His smile is ear to ear between his fat pasty jowels and his beady little eyes are shining black pools behind his thick glasses. All ideas of sanctions are gone as he gasps for breath between his smile - a revolting pale tubby mass of a man so far down the litigation path that he’s sour to the core. I notice the flesh from his finger spilling over a wedding ring and feel badly for his wife. My repulsion is visceral. I thank the stars for giving me a final confirmation that I really don’t want to be doing this for a living anymore.
Feb. 2008 - In Thailand, at Pyramid Yoga, I am again skeptical for the first four weeks, then I soften into the teachings. The ‘mystical’ things begin happening – yet they are not mystical – they are 100% real – I am 100% sober – but it is all happening. I am more open, so it comes:
I asked the universe if yoga was necessarily a lonely path. One day later, during meditation, I start saying to myself: ‘In the work of One, there are no others.” Where this came from is I believe from the universe. Rusty said that when we chant, we sing to God (what/whomever that is) and when we meditate, we get a response. I initially take this to mean that there are no others allowed on my spiritual path, then realize that perhaps it means that everything is interconnected and you are never truly lonely if you tap into it. Later, during visualization exercises, I see a shimmering gold pool of light and pyramids in Egypt with a large ruby ring and I know I’m in Egypt and a man I met at Sanctuary is also there. I later tell the man about this vision and he responds that he was told he was an Egyptian Pharaoh in a past life. While listening to harmonics, I fall asleep and wake up wondering where my attendants are because I am royalty. It is only when I look at my clothes that I am slightly startled and say to myself “I am Kyra in Thailand.” In a shamanic journey, I see an irridescent white cobra (my power animal) shifting through the sand dunes of change and it’s apparent that I can’t control anything – just glide with it. The next day I find a molted irridescent white snakeskin under my bungalow. The people on either side of me, Casey and Joe each see a white iridescent cobra in their visions, but it’s not their power animal.
During a reiki session, my friend Bianca tells me that there is a male spirit around me with a message for me and he is protecting me. I kindof dismiss it as new-age woo woo and am skeptical that whatever protects me would not be female energy. Months later, after the course, I go to Koh Tao with my friend Adrienne. In the middle of the night, I wake up screaming. This is the first time in my life I’ve done that – I usually cut my screams short in my nightmares – but this was full throttle screaming! She also wakes up, screams and asks what it is. I say “a man” and she starts laughing. I do, too, b/c there’s nothing there, but I clearly saw a black figure at the side of my bed leaning over me with both arms on the bed. It was so real that my heart couldn’t stop beating quickly for a long time. The next morning, Adrienne says that she saw exactly what I described and laughed b/c he wasn’t harmful. She said it was probably so scary b/c it’s the first time I’ve seen a spirit. She has seen ghosts her whole life and doesn’t generally tell people, but every time she has a boyfriend, spirits visits them and he often sees it for the first time b/c Adrienne is able to channel that energy into a visual form. She says, “Sorry, I should’ve told you that this may happen, but I’m pretty sure he’s your spirit and he’s not bad. Maybe you should ask him why he’s here.” I then remember what Bianca said about a male spirit around me. So, we meditate on it. I lay out protection of Durga on all sides of me, om white gold light over the top of me and invite the spirit to come to me to see what his message is. I receive that I need to open my heart. A flash of lightning and roaring thunder clap stops our meditation and Adrienne tells me she felt during meditation that my heart was closed.
A few days ago, I asked Bianca (who is also here on the Bays) to tap into this spirit (b/c she too can see spirits and has always been able to). She tells me that we were together in past lives and we have a contract with one another to love each other unconditionally. He wears a 40’s style Boggart hat and is tall and strong with dark hair and a radiant aura. She tells me he loves me unconditionally – that I am indeed always loved and his message for me is that I am absolutely lovable. I remember the countless times when I tell my mom that no one will ever love me. I appreciate the spirit’s message. A lot.
In Koh Tao, it won’t stop raining the three days we are there. So, Adrienne and I hike through the pouring rain to the top of a mountain in the middle of the jungle to a place called ‘Two Views’ where I went 13 years ago. At that time, I wouldn’t step on the property b/c it seemed so peaceful and beautiful with windchimes and a gentle breeze. I wished to return there someday when I was at peace with myself and could truly relish the energy. 13 years later, Adrienne and I hike way, way up in the rain only to find a burned, overgrown area of ground. We have a rough map of its location and I know, intuitively, that this is the place although there are no signs. I again refuse to step on the land because I am absolutely devastated. I turn around and start to walk back down the hill. Adrienne suggests we meditate on a rock at the base of a hill and I refuse b/c it’s not the right place. I then realize that we hiked all the way up to come to Two Views, nowhere else, and to feel its peace. I figure that perhaps it’s peaceful even though it looks like a disaster. So, we go onto the land and chant and meditate on a rock that has spectacular sweeping views of Koh Tao. I feel peaceful and invigorated. I learn that even though things aren’t always as I anticipated them to be, I need to roll with changes. I also learned that the peace doesn’t come from any place except from within. As soon as I calmed my disappointment down, I was able to merge with the energy of the place and feel that calm that had been hinted at 13 years ago. It was a beautiful lesson. Adrienne is a great, very caring and compassionate friend to go there with me. In the middle of nowhere.
And now, I sit here in my bungalow. It’s a beautiful sunny day. I’ll go have fruit salad and a coconut for breakfast and hang out with a lovely Mexican lady I met who is going to Northern India in July. I’d like to travel with her and will likely do so in July or August. I can understand almost everything she says when she speaks Spanish and we are on a very similar journey. She has already been to India on three occasions. Her name is Ushma Prema. It means “warm heart” or “warm love.” I hope that she will be my travel companion through Northern India.
After much vascillation, I decided just to stick with the ticket to Kathmandu on June 5. A couple of days ago, I met a man who has a friend who has lived there and worked with NGOs for two years. She is my age and looking for a female friend. He thinks we’ll get along swell. We’ve now been in e-mail contact and she said she’d love to show me around and hook me up with a job teaching or volunteering with an NGO if I’m interested. We’ll see. There’s also an older man I’ve met on these bays who is a scientist named Bob, who just moved there to do an environmental study with a team of scientists. We’ve e-mailed and he’s offered to pick me up at the airport. So, all in all, Kathmandu is welcoming and the idea of going there before India is very welcoming. June is the rainy season and I actually relish the idea of being trapped in a downpour in another exotic city about the size of San Francisco. I may stay there, I may not. I certainly won’t go trekking with the leaches and mud in the rain (I think). We will see what unfurls…
And so the journey continues. I have sailed to this paradise and am in the process of deepening my knowledge of self. I have experienced so much before and after this journey that make it all worthwhile and it’s just getting better. Here’s how it happened:
Sept. 2006 – I take a sort of couples and relationship course with my ex-boyfriend of 2.5 years even though we’ve been broken up for nine months. I hope that maybe he’ll change as a result of this course and we may end up back together. I realize in the course that I am very difficult in relationship and my general outlook on life is very limited and restricted to a need to control everything and everyone in relationship. Not attractive. The ex doesn’t change and in fact tells me after the course has started that he loves another woman, but still physically desires me. He proposes to make me his secret mistress on the side while he continues a relationship with this woman. This was very painful and I felt as despondent as ever about my ability to choose men or relate to them in a healthy manner in relationship. I start life coaching sessions with the leaders of this course and continue to look at why my life is so painful and lonely.
Oct. 2006 – I go to the Spiral Muse’s ‘Waking Women Retreat’ in the Santa Cruz mountains with some girlfriends. This is the first time I’ve done anything truly new-agey (attendance at health and healing festivals, etc. excepted). During a holotropic breathwork session, I clear sadness from my belly and rage from my throat, then feel white gold light go from the crown of my head to my navel and I laugh and feel beautiful and free and happy. I have flashes/dreams/visions that clarify several things: I will not be a litigator much longer, I will leave SF and go abroad, the ex was not the man for me, I need to learn about yoga and the chakras, I will experience complete contentment in a place that looks a lot like Thailand, and there is a man out there with buggy blue eyes in his late 40s with laugh lines and a tan – I think he’s a humanitarian aid worker – and this man is going to be the love of my life. He’s out there.
After the breathwork, I sat across from a lovely lady named Skylark and we shared our experiences. She said “I have just the place for you” and told me all about Pyramid Yoga. I applied immediately, but the course was full and Marina suggested I first try yoga anyway to see if I wanted to do this course for three months. Good point. I sign up for a year membership at Yoga Tree shortly thereafter and start doing yoga regularly. I also attend the Yoga Journal Conference for four days and am introduced to the eight limbs of yoga. I’m fascinated.
NYE 2007 – I go to Mount Madonna Center in Watsonville for a New Year’s Eve four day retreat. I go there b/c I have no one to kiss for NYE and am uninspired by the idea of being around drunk people or dancing costumed people, etc. My life coach Alicia Bayer recommended Mount Madonna to me as an option for peace and reflection for the New Year. This is the second “new-agey” thing that I’ve done, but the first where it is fully immersed in the aspects of yoga. There is a guru there who has been silent for 50 years – Baba Hari Dass a/k/a Baba Ji. For four days we do yogic cleansing processes (pouring water from a netti/flower pot through the nostrils, place a string through your nostril and extracting it our of your mouth (I chose not to master this one), study the Bhagavad Gita (although I would never ask a question of Baba Ji and I leave b/c the silent monk takes forever to answer questions as they need to be written down and then verbalized by another), meditation (I can’t quiet my mind and am uncomfortable sitting alone in silence for so long, singing and chanting (I am skeptical the entire time b/c it’s in Sanskrit and I don’t know what everyone is chanting - “is this a cult?”), eat vegetarian ayuverdic meals (good!), do some yoga asanas (they are very slow compared to SF vinyasa classes and I grow impatient) and sit in the presence of the silent monk while eating the meals (I am again skeptical as everyone sits to face him and I feel like I’m in a cult.)
I was surprised at how sophisticated and clean all these “hippies” were. The buildings and entire center are state of the art and no one smells like patchouli or has dread locks and hemp clothing. I was equally surprised at the age range – 3 to 97 from the looks of it. Entire families either living there or present for the NYE retreat.
On NYE, I watch a very funny play written by Baba Ji that pokes fun at westerners in India trying to reach Samadhi (spiritual enlightenment) by adopting the life of a saddhu (spiritual being who lives on alms). I decide not to participate in the following chanting and meditation b/c it’s just too hippy for me and I’m tired. I’m in bed by 10 p.m. I wake up at 11:11 and think I should walk back down, but ignore the message and go back to sleep.
On the morning of January 1, I walked into the main hall and the people are chanting a prayer for peace (in Sanskrit) 108 times. I’m bored. I walk outside and look at a wall of photographs of community members who have died. One man stands out b/c he’s young and vibrant. I read his biography and he was a beautiful person who gave to his community, was creative and deeply studying spirituality. He died in his 30s. I almost start crying. I go back to the hall and then I DO start crying. I feel completely isolated and although I can clearly see the bliss of all the people around me, I feel completely isolated and closed off. I can’t stop crying. I go to the bathroom, but the tears keep coming. Something inside my head tells me to just go sit in the hall and let the tears flow. I do. They flow and flow and flow from a sadness deeper than one I have ever had – it’s not bad, just completely and totally alone and very, very, very sad. I keep crying in silence and am conscious of all the people around me, but cry anyway.
After they are done chanting, a woman reaches over to me and whispers “Ask Baba a question.” I move in to the center of the room – about five people away from him – and my tears stop. I raise my hand. He looks at me and the tears start as I open my mouth. “I feel so sad right now. I’ve never felt more sad in my life and I feel very alone. It’s not bad, just very, very deep. I’ve been here for several days and heard the teachings and seen the practices, but none of this seems enough to cure my sadness, but everyone around me is blissful and I can see it, but I can’t feel it. Is everything we’ve looked at the way they got there? Is that it?” And everyone laughed. He smiled. What was written and verbalized was this: “Saddness is a sadhna. It’s the necessary first step for any spiritual journey. When you feel sadness, you are of a uni-focused mind as opposed to the usual multi-focused mind. At this point, you can either lose your mind to the pain and not know where to go or what to do, etc. OR you can merge with the pain, keep a strong mind and your path will naturally unfurl. You have a choice.”
I was relieved to know that my deep sadness was the first step to feeling better if I chose. So, although I didn’t know what he meant by a strong mind or how to merge with the pain, I decided that I would open up to a spiritual journey b/c my prior life was just really, really sad and lonely. As soon as I decided that I would take this path, Baba Ji looked directly at me and I’m not kidding, I felt a transfusion of solid white gold light emanate from his third eye directly to mine and that light washed through my center and then held my sadness in my stomach like a lotus flower on a luminous gentle pool of light. Suddenly, I felt connected to that bliss for the first time – I knew I could feel it, too. The pain was still there, but it was nurtured, held. I guess merged. The rest has truly unfurled.
I take regular yoga classes with Rusty Wells and Janet Stone in San Francisco. They start and end every class with chanting and it’s beautiful and fun and challenging. They always provide a piece of wisdom in their classes and I always feel elevated when I leave. I love this. In March 2007, they have a six-day yoga retreat in Isla Mujeres, Mexico. Beginners are allowed, so I go even though I’m completely intimidated. Sure enough, I’m the most novice yogini, but I do my first backbend in Rusty’s class on day 5 and it’s thrilling! After one of Rusty’s classes, it is twilight and we’ve just finished an invigorating class, sang and did a continuous om. I feel ripples of energy undulating from the universe through me and I can feel the same sweet rippling energy from the person on the mat next to me and I know that everyone in the palapa is feeling the same. I just feel it. We are all uncharacteristically silent and no one moves to pack up and leave class. We sit there and are completely blessed out as nothing less that the connectedness of the Universe undulates through us. This was the third time that I’d felt such a light, happy connection with the universe. First was holotropic breathwork. Second was with Baba Ji. But this time, it was a vibrating, rippling presence and it felt amazing!! I later learned that these are experiences of kundalini energy unleashing in my body. But not until much later did I learn this.
April 2007: I go to Costa Rica surf camp with my sister Stacy. I learn to get over my fears of the ocean waves and surf with the waves. She can’t wait to go home to be with husband and pets. I can stay for a long time b/c I have nothing or no one waiting for me in my beautiful penthouse suite. My loneliness is evident again. I go home and have a breast cancer scare. It ends up being a benign fibroedydema (sp?), but during the two-week process, I look at my life and really ask if I am satisfied with the way I live my life. I am not. The only thing I truly love about each day is going to yoga. I feel like being a lawyer is an out-of-body experience and sooner or later I’m going to be found out as a fraud. Every time my boss calls to me, I question whether he’ll fire me. I do this even though I know objectively that I’m a great attorney and my work is good. I’ve lost only two motions in five years. Yet, the unsettled aspects of forcing my round self into a square peg remains for years. It just isn’t right. I decide that I will leave my job and travel if I get accepted to Pyramid’s course.
May 2007: I am accepted to Pyramid Yoga. I decide that I will surrender to the universe and see what unfurls. Shortly thereafter, my boss stars giving me regular flack about financial hardships and wants to change my six figure income to a commission only status. I tell him that I’m leaving the firm in January anyway. I stay paid as usual. I’m surprised to hear him say that he envys me and thinks it’s great. I’m more surprised when everyone I know says virtually the same thing. I get a sailing certificate and almost complete a TESOL program, just in case I want to crew sailboats or teach English while abroad. I start reading about working your way around the world, round the world tickets, looking at all of the places and weather, etc. about all the places in the world I might want to go. It is overwhelming. I don’t decide much except to go to Pyramid and I buy a ticket from Bangkok to Kathmandu for June 5 and a ticket from Bombay to Bangkok then on to LA on Dec. 1 and 2. I can change the return date to no later than January 22 as it’s good for one year and I depart 1/23 at 4:00 p.m. 1,2,3,4…take off!
Dec. 2007 – it is the last deposition that I will be involved with. My client is two hours late and I am chatting with defense counsel to avoid him filing for sanctions against us. This is a man who I have regularly worked with over the years and would continue to do so if I stayed. There are the usual dealer attorneys and manufacturer attorneys and bank attorneys – this one is a dealer attorney. They all play very similar, very frustrating games on the litigation front. He suggests that he may file for sanctions. I ignore the comment and ask him if he likes practicing. He says he loves it, especially the gorey cases where men are impaled on rebar after a 30 flight fall on a construction site. He says some people were born to be defense counsel and other’s plaintiffs’ counsel. I ask for clarification. “You know howep at the beach one kid is building a sand castle? That’s plaintiffs’ counsel.” Then he beams, “You know how another kid comes along and kicks down the castle for no reason? That’s defense counsel…and I get paid to do that for a living!” His smile is ear to ear between his fat pasty jowels and his beady little eyes are shining black pools behind his thick glasses. All ideas of sanctions are gone as he gasps for breath between his smile - a revolting pale tubby mass of a man so far down the litigation path that he’s sour to the core. I notice the flesh from his finger spilling over a wedding ring and feel badly for his wife. My repulsion is visceral. I thank the stars for giving me a final confirmation that I really don’t want to be doing this for a living anymore.
Feb. 2008 - In Thailand, at Pyramid Yoga, I am again skeptical for the first four weeks, then I soften into the teachings. The ‘mystical’ things begin happening – yet they are not mystical – they are 100% real – I am 100% sober – but it is all happening. I am more open, so it comes:
I asked the universe if yoga was necessarily a lonely path. One day later, during meditation, I start saying to myself: ‘In the work of One, there are no others.” Where this came from is I believe from the universe. Rusty said that when we chant, we sing to God (what/whomever that is) and when we meditate, we get a response. I initially take this to mean that there are no others allowed on my spiritual path, then realize that perhaps it means that everything is interconnected and you are never truly lonely if you tap into it. Later, during visualization exercises, I see a shimmering gold pool of light and pyramids in Egypt with a large ruby ring and I know I’m in Egypt and a man I met at Sanctuary is also there. I later tell the man about this vision and he responds that he was told he was an Egyptian Pharaoh in a past life. While listening to harmonics, I fall asleep and wake up wondering where my attendants are because I am royalty. It is only when I look at my clothes that I am slightly startled and say to myself “I am Kyra in Thailand.” In a shamanic journey, I see an irridescent white cobra (my power animal) shifting through the sand dunes of change and it’s apparent that I can’t control anything – just glide with it. The next day I find a molted irridescent white snakeskin under my bungalow. The people on either side of me, Casey and Joe each see a white iridescent cobra in their visions, but it’s not their power animal.
During a reiki session, my friend Bianca tells me that there is a male spirit around me with a message for me and he is protecting me. I kindof dismiss it as new-age woo woo and am skeptical that whatever protects me would not be female energy. Months later, after the course, I go to Koh Tao with my friend Adrienne. In the middle of the night, I wake up screaming. This is the first time in my life I’ve done that – I usually cut my screams short in my nightmares – but this was full throttle screaming! She also wakes up, screams and asks what it is. I say “a man” and she starts laughing. I do, too, b/c there’s nothing there, but I clearly saw a black figure at the side of my bed leaning over me with both arms on the bed. It was so real that my heart couldn’t stop beating quickly for a long time. The next morning, Adrienne says that she saw exactly what I described and laughed b/c he wasn’t harmful. She said it was probably so scary b/c it’s the first time I’ve seen a spirit. She has seen ghosts her whole life and doesn’t generally tell people, but every time she has a boyfriend, spirits visits them and he often sees it for the first time b/c Adrienne is able to channel that energy into a visual form. She says, “Sorry, I should’ve told you that this may happen, but I’m pretty sure he’s your spirit and he’s not bad. Maybe you should ask him why he’s here.” I then remember what Bianca said about a male spirit around me. So, we meditate on it. I lay out protection of Durga on all sides of me, om white gold light over the top of me and invite the spirit to come to me to see what his message is. I receive that I need to open my heart. A flash of lightning and roaring thunder clap stops our meditation and Adrienne tells me she felt during meditation that my heart was closed.
A few days ago, I asked Bianca (who is also here on the Bays) to tap into this spirit (b/c she too can see spirits and has always been able to). She tells me that we were together in past lives and we have a contract with one another to love each other unconditionally. He wears a 40’s style Boggart hat and is tall and strong with dark hair and a radiant aura. She tells me he loves me unconditionally – that I am indeed always loved and his message for me is that I am absolutely lovable. I remember the countless times when I tell my mom that no one will ever love me. I appreciate the spirit’s message. A lot.
In Koh Tao, it won’t stop raining the three days we are there. So, Adrienne and I hike through the pouring rain to the top of a mountain in the middle of the jungle to a place called ‘Two Views’ where I went 13 years ago. At that time, I wouldn’t step on the property b/c it seemed so peaceful and beautiful with windchimes and a gentle breeze. I wished to return there someday when I was at peace with myself and could truly relish the energy. 13 years later, Adrienne and I hike way, way up in the rain only to find a burned, overgrown area of ground. We have a rough map of its location and I know, intuitively, that this is the place although there are no signs. I again refuse to step on the land because I am absolutely devastated. I turn around and start to walk back down the hill. Adrienne suggests we meditate on a rock at the base of a hill and I refuse b/c it’s not the right place. I then realize that we hiked all the way up to come to Two Views, nowhere else, and to feel its peace. I figure that perhaps it’s peaceful even though it looks like a disaster. So, we go onto the land and chant and meditate on a rock that has spectacular sweeping views of Koh Tao. I feel peaceful and invigorated. I learn that even though things aren’t always as I anticipated them to be, I need to roll with changes. I also learned that the peace doesn’t come from any place except from within. As soon as I calmed my disappointment down, I was able to merge with the energy of the place and feel that calm that had been hinted at 13 years ago. It was a beautiful lesson. Adrienne is a great, very caring and compassionate friend to go there with me. In the middle of nowhere.
And now, I sit here in my bungalow. It’s a beautiful sunny day. I’ll go have fruit salad and a coconut for breakfast and hang out with a lovely Mexican lady I met who is going to Northern India in July. I’d like to travel with her and will likely do so in July or August. I can understand almost everything she says when she speaks Spanish and we are on a very similar journey. She has already been to India on three occasions. Her name is Ushma Prema. It means “warm heart” or “warm love.” I hope that she will be my travel companion through Northern India.
After much vascillation, I decided just to stick with the ticket to Kathmandu on June 5. A couple of days ago, I met a man who has a friend who has lived there and worked with NGOs for two years. She is my age and looking for a female friend. He thinks we’ll get along swell. We’ve now been in e-mail contact and she said she’d love to show me around and hook me up with a job teaching or volunteering with an NGO if I’m interested. We’ll see. There’s also an older man I’ve met on these bays who is a scientist named Bob, who just moved there to do an environmental study with a team of scientists. We’ve e-mailed and he’s offered to pick me up at the airport. So, all in all, Kathmandu is welcoming and the idea of going there before India is very welcoming. June is the rainy season and I actually relish the idea of being trapped in a downpour in another exotic city about the size of San Francisco. I may stay there, I may not. I certainly won’t go trekking with the leaches and mud in the rain (I think). We will see what unfurls…
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Had Yuan Musings
The rain has been pounding off and on for three days now. It is nothing like the horrendous weather that annihilated parts of Burma. Thankfully, not like that at all. I rest easy atop a jungle laden hill stretching directly up from a beautiful white sand beach in my pretty white, vanilla yellow and light blue bungalow that has a solid frame, a good roof and sturdy French doors that stretch three “walls” of my bungalow wide open. I even have a small library of books shipped over from the States several months ago, a laptop with internet access and cell phone reception up here. My i-pod stereo speakers, standing fan and electronic kettle for tea make it a complete electronic “home.” Due to the sturdy frame and expansive roof, my comfy bed and hammock stay dry even when the wind and rain outside and all around me is torrential – yet I can still feel wind whipping through my hair by leaving my “walls” open wide. This is paradisal living at its best! Two sides of this bungalow overlook the turquoise blue bay where I will reside until June. I can see the bad weather approaching from miles away as it fuses into a grey white blur with the water and makes the horizon a big fluff of fuzz. It approaches quickly, then passes, then approaches again. There are regular lapses of sunshine in between. Again, this has only been for three days – every day prior has been sunny throughout the day. This bay is called Had Yuan and is on the southeast side of Koh Phangan – it is right next to the bay (Had Tien) where ‘Sanctuary’ that I discussed in my second blog entry is located.
It is sweet that the very place where I started on this island specifically asked me to return in order to teach yoga. In short, I came by Had Yuan for a night and ran into two people that I’ve become close to over my three months of visiting this bay periodically. We were sitting at dinner celebrating the end of my course when Kelli from Sanctuary asked if I wanted to teach yoga there. I said “yes.” Then Scratch (really named Paul, but so called b/c a few years ago, he was scratched on the face so deeply that the name stuck even after the marks subsided) asked if I wanted to teach yoga at Bamboo Hut. I said “yes” to that, too. Then the two of them conferred and decided it would be best for me to teach at Bamboo b/c it was a daily gig, whereas Sanctuary would be temporary. So, we decided I’d teach at Bamboo. Within minutes, someone else stated that one of the expats that lives in the jungle around Had Tien needed a cat sitter and I could live there for free – I happened to know the woman living there and she immediately assented that I could live there until May 15 rent free. I couldn’t believe how easy this was, but figured that this was proof positive that the universe does provide when you just decide to surrender to just being in the moment. The next day (Sun. April 27) , I returned to Pyramid in the NE side of the island for one last evening. It was a beautiful evening as we (several of my favorite friends from Pyramid) sang kirtan in the sound dome and had a late dinner at my favorite restaurant. The following day, I arrived at Had Yuan. I wasn’t really sure where I would stay, but the boat from Had Rin (the only way to get here is by boat from Had Rin) took me directly to the giant quartz boulder (the boats usually go to the beach and not directly to the bungalows – so this was quite an anomaly) that is part of Bamboo Hut in Had Yuan and without a word the boys came down to the boat, took all of my bags and brought them straight up to an open bungalow. Voila! Decision made. I had so many bags that the Bamboo Hut boys now call me “Supergirl.” I chose not to move into the jungle house as it had no electricity and smelled of cat urine. I suppose this would fit within my friend Mia’s suggestion for the name of my blog: “Confessions of a High Maintenance Traveler.” Ha ha. My friend Bianca didn’t mind either of these issues and also plans on staying for a while, so she took the place instead. After surveying both bays to see where I wanted to reside, I waited six days for this idyllic bungalow to become available and moved right in on Saturday May 3 – I have now been here 10 days. It is in short a charmed place, a charmed job, idyllic circumstances and very, very nice to be here.
I had my 35th birthday dinner on April 30 with about a dozen friends that I have made over the months from both Had Tien and Had Yuan. We sat outside eating steamed fish from lowlying tables with tiny kerosene lanterns on a platform that was on top of the same quartz boulder on which the boat landed days before. This is the same quartz boulder and platform on which I sat in awe when I first arrived at these bays and could not believe how many intelligent, sophisticated and interesting expats reside either full or part time here and live their lives completely divorced from corporate existence. I couldn’t believe that was possible when I first arrived. My, how times have changed. I cried again on the morning of my birthday b/c I couldn’t believe how blessed I am to be exactly where I am right now in my life. Blessed. I did not cry at my birthday dinner – I laughed – a lot. It was a very merry birthday, indeed. To illustrate the full circle happenings, here is what I wrote in my blog about this place, Bamboo Hut, and Lily the birthday girl is the woman who built the studio Blooming Lotus where I am now teaching:
Just over the hill is a delicious restaurant with a breathtaking view. I was invited by a couple of people to attend a birthday dinner of one of the yoga instructors the third night that I was at Sanctuary. I went to the party and the couple who invited me (one man was from San Francisco and the woman says she recognizes me from San Francisco - she's an Aussie but his girlfriend for a while - both burners) were not there. Sprawled out on pillows among low tables piled with mounds of mouth-watering Thai food and coconuts were dozens of layed back 'local transplants.' I greeted the beautiful birthday girl, Lily, who is a yoga teacher as she was getting four massages - on each limb from adoring men - and beaming a bright beautiful smile onto the party. The moon shined behind her and the sound of the waves far below made it seem like we were all floating. I wished her a happy birthday and joined the party. Even though I knew nobody, every person was open and kind. Within moments Kate from England and I were sharing a lovely steamed fish that we ate with our fingers - succulent sweet and spicy, it was. Kate has returned many times to this place and spent a long time travelling - she is me in a couple of years. She is relaxed, smart and beautiful. She said 'I look forward to seeing you again after your course.' I couldn't agree more. On my other side was Marisa - a champion thai boxer from Australia (I think) - who decided there should be gyms on the island. She started 'Jungle Gym.' Who knew a foreigner could come up with such a wacky idea and apparently be quite successful? Wild.The list goes on...the beauty of all of this, the realization that I'd left it all behind, the stark contrast between me and them as far as how completely laid back they were, the realization that every person at the table had chosen to change their lives in this manner....well, it was quite simply overwhelming. I kept feeling waves of emotion. I got up and walked to a giant boulder nearby and laid down to gaze at the stars and process my feelings. Shortly thereafter, I was joined by one of the men at the table - a wild blue eyed blonde with a gentle nature - named Shane. He silently joined me from a distance and after a few minutes we pointed out constellations to eachother and reveled in the beauty of the night sky. He then got up and rejoined the party. I did the same a few minutes later. The interactions here are that simple. Easy, natural and good.
As an update to this, Kelli from Sanctuary is the lady that invited me to the party and is returning to Australia shortly, Lily and her husband went back home to Canada until Dec., Shane returned to Australia until Dec. and I saw Kate off to Berlin two days after I arrived – she doesn’t know when she’ll return, but she will. Marisa is still here and last I heard, she cut the head off of a pit viper with a machete while the thais were building a new bungalow. She is one heck of a strong woman. I’ve only seen a tree snake here, thankfully. I am scheduled to go to Nepal in early June, although I may change my ticket to stay here until my visa expires on June 15. This is low tourist season and I like it here. I’ve perfected the technique to kill mosquitoes (you come from underneath and then slap) so there are really no inconveniences to staying. It’s quite comfortable here. We’ll see…Another option is Bali…
I have never been in better shape physically, mentally or spiritually. I feel great! Unfortunately, I took a light turn for the worse yesterday when I lost my footing (both of them) while walking off of my balcony onto my steps with full hands. My legs went straight up due to the wet surface from which I hydroplaned at a quick clip and I landed smack on my back (thoracic 12-7 from what I can feel) on the tiled balcony. Nothing broke my fall. It was very jarring, indeed. I can feel that the vertebrae are fine and that there is just something awry with the muscle along the right side of my spine. Yesterday, I did nothing but lay on my back all day. A beautiful Danish man named Morton brought me food and dvds throughout the day and was just plain awesome in taking care of me while I did nothing but lie down and cry because the pain was so great. Today is much, much better. I can get up, walk around, almost bend over and the pain is no longer so bad that I cry. What hurts more now is my elbow. Somehow during the fall, I tore a deep and nasty gash in my right elbow – the blood spurted everywhere – it was gross. These new injuries add to my puss oozing right knee that sustained a deep gash about a month ago when the driver of the motorbike I was on fell over on a dry, dirty road. The accident was in slow motion and really not a big deal at all. However, the knee is now infected because I went swimming in the water and didn’t clean it immediately after (I thought it was fully healed and closed up with a little scab. I guess I was wrong). So, I’m currently a bit incapacitated on my right side and can’t do the three back bends a day that I do for fun quite yet. But, it could be much, much worse! I’m taking this as an opportunity to sit down, update my blog, read some books, figure out how to download photographs and just relax. Mom and Grandma, please don’t worry – this is part of the adventure – I am taking very good care of myself and will certainly seek medical attention if necessary – I promise. It is not necessary. I know this. All a doctor can do is give me pain killers, first aid ointment, bandages and directives to rest – I’m doing all of this. My back feels much better today and I’m regularly applying iodine to the gashes and staying out of the water (boo hoo). No spinal surgery required. So all is well! I have substitute teachers for my yoga classes and will refrain from doing my own practice until I feel better. I have two brand new students scheduled for tomorrow and can teach them while sitting down, so this will be another new opportunity to share yoga in a different way. Okay, fine – whatever happens is fine. No problem.
Finally, I met a tan, buggy blue-eyed man at Bamboo Hut who has laugh lines on his face. He’s the beautiful Danish man who took care of me yesterday. He’s a 33-year old music producer from Copenhagen who just sold his flat and his business to travel the world. He wants to relocate and establish a recording studio in the States. He shipped an electronic keyboard all the way from Denmark to his bungalow so he could practice the piano! I have to wait two weeks to hear him, but he plays the drums and guitar beautifully. As if the buggy blue-eyed tan lined skin bit isn’t bizarre, I DID have the experience of pure contentment while standing in front of peaceful water while he was with me. I scoffed at the idea that I had seen this before and doubted I would rest my head on his shoulder b/c he was some distance behind me and told myself that it was just a coincidence…but then he approached me from behind, gently pulled me up to him and my head nestled just into the crook of his shoulder – JUST LIKE IN MY VISION. We have spent several days together. He’s unique, hilarious and he challenges me. He left today for one week and will return here until mid-June. Rather than read too much into this, I am simply recognizing that I am exactly where I need to be. This is all part of the moment to moment existence and I’m loving every minute of it. It is a marvelous coincidence, though! Note: he does not own a white linen shirt and his eyes are more green than blue at times…and I did see him off on a boat today, but I wasn’t standing on a dock. All of this relates to a vision I had after Holotropic Breathwork in October 2006: I was standing on a dock when I saw a buggy blue eyed man with a tan, lined face unloading stuff from a boat. I again saw him standing tall among a crowd of foreigners with darker skin. I then saw myself on waters edge with long hair and a yogic body gazing at water that looked a lot like Thailand at twilight feeling complete contentment. In that vision, the buggy blue eyed man reappeared from behind me, pulled me into him and I nestled my head on his shoulder.
Yet another miraculous experience on this incredible journey into the unkown…
I have been remiss in updating my blog and will take this rainy day opportunity to update it as best as I can from March 21 on…. Very, very soon…
It is sweet that the very place where I started on this island specifically asked me to return in order to teach yoga. In short, I came by Had Yuan for a night and ran into two people that I’ve become close to over my three months of visiting this bay periodically. We were sitting at dinner celebrating the end of my course when Kelli from Sanctuary asked if I wanted to teach yoga there. I said “yes.” Then Scratch (really named Paul, but so called b/c a few years ago, he was scratched on the face so deeply that the name stuck even after the marks subsided) asked if I wanted to teach yoga at Bamboo Hut. I said “yes” to that, too. Then the two of them conferred and decided it would be best for me to teach at Bamboo b/c it was a daily gig, whereas Sanctuary would be temporary. So, we decided I’d teach at Bamboo. Within minutes, someone else stated that one of the expats that lives in the jungle around Had Tien needed a cat sitter and I could live there for free – I happened to know the woman living there and she immediately assented that I could live there until May 15 rent free. I couldn’t believe how easy this was, but figured that this was proof positive that the universe does provide when you just decide to surrender to just being in the moment. The next day (Sun. April 27) , I returned to Pyramid in the NE side of the island for one last evening. It was a beautiful evening as we (several of my favorite friends from Pyramid) sang kirtan in the sound dome and had a late dinner at my favorite restaurant. The following day, I arrived at Had Yuan. I wasn’t really sure where I would stay, but the boat from Had Rin (the only way to get here is by boat from Had Rin) took me directly to the giant quartz boulder (the boats usually go to the beach and not directly to the bungalows – so this was quite an anomaly) that is part of Bamboo Hut in Had Yuan and without a word the boys came down to the boat, took all of my bags and brought them straight up to an open bungalow. Voila! Decision made. I had so many bags that the Bamboo Hut boys now call me “Supergirl.” I chose not to move into the jungle house as it had no electricity and smelled of cat urine. I suppose this would fit within my friend Mia’s suggestion for the name of my blog: “Confessions of a High Maintenance Traveler.” Ha ha. My friend Bianca didn’t mind either of these issues and also plans on staying for a while, so she took the place instead. After surveying both bays to see where I wanted to reside, I waited six days for this idyllic bungalow to become available and moved right in on Saturday May 3 – I have now been here 10 days. It is in short a charmed place, a charmed job, idyllic circumstances and very, very nice to be here.
I had my 35th birthday dinner on April 30 with about a dozen friends that I have made over the months from both Had Tien and Had Yuan. We sat outside eating steamed fish from lowlying tables with tiny kerosene lanterns on a platform that was on top of the same quartz boulder on which the boat landed days before. This is the same quartz boulder and platform on which I sat in awe when I first arrived at these bays and could not believe how many intelligent, sophisticated and interesting expats reside either full or part time here and live their lives completely divorced from corporate existence. I couldn’t believe that was possible when I first arrived. My, how times have changed. I cried again on the morning of my birthday b/c I couldn’t believe how blessed I am to be exactly where I am right now in my life. Blessed. I did not cry at my birthday dinner – I laughed – a lot. It was a very merry birthday, indeed. To illustrate the full circle happenings, here is what I wrote in my blog about this place, Bamboo Hut, and Lily the birthday girl is the woman who built the studio Blooming Lotus where I am now teaching:
Just over the hill is a delicious restaurant with a breathtaking view. I was invited by a couple of people to attend a birthday dinner of one of the yoga instructors the third night that I was at Sanctuary. I went to the party and the couple who invited me (one man was from San Francisco and the woman says she recognizes me from San Francisco - she's an Aussie but his girlfriend for a while - both burners) were not there. Sprawled out on pillows among low tables piled with mounds of mouth-watering Thai food and coconuts were dozens of layed back 'local transplants.' I greeted the beautiful birthday girl, Lily, who is a yoga teacher as she was getting four massages - on each limb from adoring men - and beaming a bright beautiful smile onto the party. The moon shined behind her and the sound of the waves far below made it seem like we were all floating. I wished her a happy birthday and joined the party. Even though I knew nobody, every person was open and kind. Within moments Kate from England and I were sharing a lovely steamed fish that we ate with our fingers - succulent sweet and spicy, it was. Kate has returned many times to this place and spent a long time travelling - she is me in a couple of years. She is relaxed, smart and beautiful. She said 'I look forward to seeing you again after your course.' I couldn't agree more. On my other side was Marisa - a champion thai boxer from Australia (I think) - who decided there should be gyms on the island. She started 'Jungle Gym.' Who knew a foreigner could come up with such a wacky idea and apparently be quite successful? Wild.The list goes on...the beauty of all of this, the realization that I'd left it all behind, the stark contrast between me and them as far as how completely laid back they were, the realization that every person at the table had chosen to change their lives in this manner....well, it was quite simply overwhelming. I kept feeling waves of emotion. I got up and walked to a giant boulder nearby and laid down to gaze at the stars and process my feelings. Shortly thereafter, I was joined by one of the men at the table - a wild blue eyed blonde with a gentle nature - named Shane. He silently joined me from a distance and after a few minutes we pointed out constellations to eachother and reveled in the beauty of the night sky. He then got up and rejoined the party. I did the same a few minutes later. The interactions here are that simple. Easy, natural and good.
As an update to this, Kelli from Sanctuary is the lady that invited me to the party and is returning to Australia shortly, Lily and her husband went back home to Canada until Dec., Shane returned to Australia until Dec. and I saw Kate off to Berlin two days after I arrived – she doesn’t know when she’ll return, but she will. Marisa is still here and last I heard, she cut the head off of a pit viper with a machete while the thais were building a new bungalow. She is one heck of a strong woman. I’ve only seen a tree snake here, thankfully. I am scheduled to go to Nepal in early June, although I may change my ticket to stay here until my visa expires on June 15. This is low tourist season and I like it here. I’ve perfected the technique to kill mosquitoes (you come from underneath and then slap) so there are really no inconveniences to staying. It’s quite comfortable here. We’ll see…Another option is Bali…
I have never been in better shape physically, mentally or spiritually. I feel great! Unfortunately, I took a light turn for the worse yesterday when I lost my footing (both of them) while walking off of my balcony onto my steps with full hands. My legs went straight up due to the wet surface from which I hydroplaned at a quick clip and I landed smack on my back (thoracic 12-7 from what I can feel) on the tiled balcony. Nothing broke my fall. It was very jarring, indeed. I can feel that the vertebrae are fine and that there is just something awry with the muscle along the right side of my spine. Yesterday, I did nothing but lay on my back all day. A beautiful Danish man named Morton brought me food and dvds throughout the day and was just plain awesome in taking care of me while I did nothing but lie down and cry because the pain was so great. Today is much, much better. I can get up, walk around, almost bend over and the pain is no longer so bad that I cry. What hurts more now is my elbow. Somehow during the fall, I tore a deep and nasty gash in my right elbow – the blood spurted everywhere – it was gross. These new injuries add to my puss oozing right knee that sustained a deep gash about a month ago when the driver of the motorbike I was on fell over on a dry, dirty road. The accident was in slow motion and really not a big deal at all. However, the knee is now infected because I went swimming in the water and didn’t clean it immediately after (I thought it was fully healed and closed up with a little scab. I guess I was wrong). So, I’m currently a bit incapacitated on my right side and can’t do the three back bends a day that I do for fun quite yet. But, it could be much, much worse! I’m taking this as an opportunity to sit down, update my blog, read some books, figure out how to download photographs and just relax. Mom and Grandma, please don’t worry – this is part of the adventure – I am taking very good care of myself and will certainly seek medical attention if necessary – I promise. It is not necessary. I know this. All a doctor can do is give me pain killers, first aid ointment, bandages and directives to rest – I’m doing all of this. My back feels much better today and I’m regularly applying iodine to the gashes and staying out of the water (boo hoo). No spinal surgery required. So all is well! I have substitute teachers for my yoga classes and will refrain from doing my own practice until I feel better. I have two brand new students scheduled for tomorrow and can teach them while sitting down, so this will be another new opportunity to share yoga in a different way. Okay, fine – whatever happens is fine. No problem.
Finally, I met a tan, buggy blue-eyed man at Bamboo Hut who has laugh lines on his face. He’s the beautiful Danish man who took care of me yesterday. He’s a 33-year old music producer from Copenhagen who just sold his flat and his business to travel the world. He wants to relocate and establish a recording studio in the States. He shipped an electronic keyboard all the way from Denmark to his bungalow so he could practice the piano! I have to wait two weeks to hear him, but he plays the drums and guitar beautifully. As if the buggy blue-eyed tan lined skin bit isn’t bizarre, I DID have the experience of pure contentment while standing in front of peaceful water while he was with me. I scoffed at the idea that I had seen this before and doubted I would rest my head on his shoulder b/c he was some distance behind me and told myself that it was just a coincidence…but then he approached me from behind, gently pulled me up to him and my head nestled just into the crook of his shoulder – JUST LIKE IN MY VISION. We have spent several days together. He’s unique, hilarious and he challenges me. He left today for one week and will return here until mid-June. Rather than read too much into this, I am simply recognizing that I am exactly where I need to be. This is all part of the moment to moment existence and I’m loving every minute of it. It is a marvelous coincidence, though! Note: he does not own a white linen shirt and his eyes are more green than blue at times…and I did see him off on a boat today, but I wasn’t standing on a dock. All of this relates to a vision I had after Holotropic Breathwork in October 2006: I was standing on a dock when I saw a buggy blue eyed man with a tan, lined face unloading stuff from a boat. I again saw him standing tall among a crowd of foreigners with darker skin. I then saw myself on waters edge with long hair and a yogic body gazing at water that looked a lot like Thailand at twilight feeling complete contentment. In that vision, the buggy blue eyed man reappeared from behind me, pulled me into him and I nestled my head on his shoulder.
Yet another miraculous experience on this incredible journey into the unkown…
I have been remiss in updating my blog and will take this rainy day opportunity to update it as best as I can from March 21 on…. Very, very soon…
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